Truth #6: The Identity of ‘The One Who’s Trying’

Monica is guiding you through a 10-week deep dive into these ten truths, peeling back the layers of chaos with practical tools, empowering insights, and her real-life experiences. Whether you’re feeling stuck in your fertility journey or wrestling with overwhelm and doubt in another area of life, these conversations offer a roadmap to healing and transformation. Tune in to the Finding Fertility Podcast and blog for more real talk, actionable steps, and the space to create the life you’ve been working so hard to build.

Why Grief Isn’t Failure: The Raw Truth About Infertility and Healing

Truth #6: Attachment to Old Identities You’ve been in this fertility grind for so long that it’s become part of your identity. The one who’s always trying. The one who’s researching every angle. But coherence asks you to step into a new role—the one who trusts, the one who receives, the one who believes it’s already happening. That shift feels risky because, well, who are you if you’re no longer “struggling”?

Message Thread in Telegram: Mabel & Monica

📱 Mabel:

 

💬 Mabel: Sent this to you because I feel like it punched me in the gut. I know this, but I don’t know this, you know? If I’m being radically honest, this failed IVF shook me. I really thought I was doing better. I thought I was trusting. But now? I don’t even know what I believe anymore.

💬 Mabel: I feel like if I let go of trying, I’m letting go of me. Like… who even am I if I’m not “the one who’s trying?”

📲 Monica: I hear you. That identity has been your anchor for so long. It makes sense that letting go feels like losing yourself. But what if you’re not losing yourself? What if you’re finding the version of you that exists beyond the fight?

💬 Mabel: I don’t know who she is.

📲 Monica: Maybe that’s okay. She’s not someone you have to “figure out”; she’s someone you become—by choosing to loosen your grip and trust that she’s there.

💬 Mabel: But what if letting go means it never happens?

📲 Monica: What if clinging is what’s keeping it from happening?

📲 Monica: There’s a big difference between having hope and letting go. Hope is powerful! It’s expansive compared to fear, doubt, or despair. Think of hope as a bridge emotion—it lifts you out of the lower vibrations and moves you toward higher ones. It’s essential when you’re stuck in fear or uncertainty because it provides the first step toward empowerment.

📲 Monica: "Hope is the hypothesis of the human unconscious." It’s like waiting on a blood test—your mind teetering between best-case scenario and absolute catastrophe—but somewhere, buried underneath the anxiety, there’s still hope.

📲 Monica: As R. Ellenhorn says in How We Change, hope is what you need to change & how hope is the driver to keep pushing on in life, even when you feel like you're failing or like it's never going to happen. Hope isn’t just wishful thinking—it’s what gets you up in the morning, what makes you keep going even when nothing seems to be working.

📲 Monica: But if you stay in hope without shifting deeper into trust or without taking aligned action, it can keep you in a passive state of wishing rather than creating. Hope gets you moving, but trust and action make things happen.

📲 Monica: That’s what I mean when I say clinging is keeping you stuck. Because when you’re gripping, you’re hoping so hard that you forget to trust—trust your body, trust your path, trust that the absence of control doesn’t mean failure.

💬 Mabel: So you’re saying hope is good, but I can’t stay in it forever?

📲 Monica: Exactly. Hope should lead you to trust. And trust? That’s when you let go. Not in a way that means giving up, but in a way that means stepping into your life as if what you desire is already on its way to you.

💬 Mabel: That sounds nice in theory, but in reality? I don’t know if I can do that.

📲 Monica: You can. And you will. But first, you have to stop equating letting go with losing control. Because letting go is actually stepping into a higher form of control—the kind where you choose peace instead of panic.

(⏳ A long pause.)

💬 Mabel: That terrifies me.

📲 Monica: I know. But what if the thing you’re afraid of is actually the thing that will set you free?

💬 Mabel: But what if letting go means it never happens?

📲 Monica: What if clinging is what’s keeping it from happening?

📲 Monica: And let me ask you this, Mabel—do you actually have a choice?

📲 Monica: You’ve been cycling the same way, over and over. You came to me for a change, not for more knowledge, not for more tools, not for another thing to do. You came to me because something inside you knew—this way isn’t working.

📲 Monica: Wasn’t it Einstein who said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?”

📲 Monica: So, I have to ask you—what are you really afraid of? That letting go means it won’t happen? Or that letting go will prove you never actually had control in the first place?

💬 Mabel: … Damn. You sound like Monique!

📲 Monica: LOL! Funny how that happens, huh? Different voice, same truth. Guess it was always there, just waiting for you to hear it. 😉

(⏳ A few minutes pass.)

💬 Mabel: So it’s the death grip you want me to let go of, not the dream or even hope.

📲 Monica: Exactly. You want this so badly that you’re white-knuckling your way through it. But Mabel, pregnancy—real, sustainable pregnancy—doesn’t happen in a state of gripping. It happens in surrender.

💬 Mabel: I hate that word.

📲 Monica: I know. It’s the opposite of everything you’ve taught yourself to do. But it’s also the reason you’re exhausted, running on stress hormones, and still WANTING instead of receiving.

💬 Mabel: … So what do I do? Just stop caring?

📲 Monica: No. You stop forcing. You stop making it your full-time job. You stop treating every single thing you do as make-or-break for your fertility.

📲 Monica: Because here’s the thing, Mabel—you can’t have and want at the same time.

📲 Monica: Wanting comes from a place of lack. It’s the energy of “I don’t have this yet, so I need to chase it, control it, make it happen.” But having—even before it’s physically here—that’s a whole different frequency.

📲 Monica: If you had the baby, if you had the pregnancy, would you be sitting here obsessing, tracking, second-guessing every choice? No. You’d be living in the certainty that it’s already yours. And doing your BEST not to be hyper-controlling. Remember our last session?

📲 Monica: But right now? Your energy is in the chase. In wanting, not in having. And as long as you’re locked in that loop, you’re reinforcing to yourself—I don’t have this. It’s not here yet. I’m still waiting.

📲 Monica: So the work now? Shift into having. Start embodying the version of you who already knows it’s coming. Who doesn’t need to grip, force, or micromanage. Because the moment you stop acting like it’s missing is the moment you start letting it in.

💬 Mabel: But… how am I supposed to do that when my failed IVF feels like evidence that it’s not coming?

📲 Monica: Evidence of what, exactly? That it didn’t happen on the timeline you wanted? That one medical procedure dictates your future? Or that you still believe this is something you have to force rather than allow?

📲 Monica: A failed IVF doesn’t mean you’re broken, Mabel. It doesn’t mean it’s never going to happen. It just means your body wasn’t ready then. And if you’re still carrying that failure as proof of your future… that’s exactly the energy that’s keeping you stuck.

💬 Mabel: I don’t know how to see another way.

📲 Monica: That’s why you need to step back. Because right now, you’re still stressed about being stressed. You’re still holding onto control while telling yourself you’re surrendering. And your gut? It still needs time to heal.

💬 Mabel: So you’re saying I can get pregnant naturally, but not while I’m in this energy?

📲 Monica: Exactly. I still believe that nothing about your body says you can’t get pregnant in the future, and Mable, you know I’d be truthful with you! I’m here for your success! But I also know that healing happens when you’re not in a fight with yourself. You have to allow it.

💬 Mabel: I just don’t know how not to try.

📲 Monica: That’s the work now. Not another protocol. Not another supplement. Not another plan. Just being with what is, without the constant push to change it.

💬 Mabel: But it’s been years, Monica. What if I stop trying and nothing happens?

📲 Monica: Then you keep practicing.

📲 Monica: We’ve talked about this over and over, Mabel. You already have all the knowledge. But knowledge alone doesn’t create change. You have to practice it. And not just once or twice, but over and over again.

💬 Mabel: And stay consistent.

📲 Monica: Yes. Consistency with the opposite actions of how you’ve been running your whole life. It’s not going to happen overnight, but that doesn’t mean it’s not working. You have to give it time.

📲 Monica: And Mabel, here’s the thing—you don’t have to force fertility. Your body was literally designed for it. It knows what to do. The only thing you need to focus on is becoming the most empowered, whole version of you—the one who has joy in her life, who loves herself unconditionally.

📲 Monica: That’s all this journey is. It’s not about micromanaging every step your body takes—it’s about coming back to yourself so your body can actually do what it was designed to do.

💬 Mabel: …So you’re saying I’ve been making this way harder than it has to be?

📲 Monica: Oh babe, way harder. And I get it—I did the exact same thing. That’s why I do this work, because I know exactly what it feels like.

📲 Monica: I don’t “fix” anyone’s fertility. I just help you come back to yourself—so your body can finally do what it’s been trying to do all along.

💬 Mabel: So you’re saying I can’t just flip a switch and suddenly be chill? 😂

📲 Monica: Exactly. This is reprogramming, not a quick fix. Every time you take a breath instead of control, every time you allow instead of force, you’re rewiring your system.

💬 Mabel: Ugh. Why does this sound harder than taking all the supplements and tracking everything?

📲 Monica: Because it is harder. But it’s also the thing that will actually get you what you want.

💬 Mabel: I want your honest opinion. Do you think I jumped into that IVF too fast?

(⏳ A long pause.)

📲 Monica: I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer to that. What I do know is that cellular healing and reprogramming take time. And I see so many women turn to IVF, thinking they’ve changed enough.

📲 Monica: I get it. It feels like the months of doing the work should be enough. And those changes are amazing. They’re a solid start. But that’s where I come in and show you the reality: real, deep change isn’t just about the “big” things you’ve shifted.

📲 Monica: There are still some radical steps you need to take… and they’re the boring, everyday ones. The ones that feel too simple, too mundane, too opposite from what you’ve been trained to do.

💬 Mabel: Like what?

📲 Monica: Like slowing the f*** down. Like not making every decision through the lens of “Will this make me pregnant faster?” Like actually being in your life instead of waiting for it to start when you see two pink lines.

💬 Mabel: So basically… the opposite of how I’ve run my entire life?

📲 Monica: Bingo. And that’s why it feels so hard. It’s not because it’s actually difficult—it’s because it’s the opposite of what your nervous system knows.

💬 Mabel: This is frustrating.

📲 Monica: I know. But it’s also where the magic happens.

(⏳ A long pause.)

💬 Mabel: And hope? That post said hope keeps you stuck. Do you think that’s true?

📲 Monica: No. Hope isn’t what’s keeping you stuck. Hope is powerful. Hope is what gets you out of bed in the morning, what makes you keep showing up, what carries you through the hard days when nothing else makes sense.

📲 Monica: It’s not hope that’s the issue. It’s the gripping. The over-controlling. The belief that if you loosen your grip, everything will fall apart.

📲 Monica: You’re not stuck because you have hope, Mabel. You’re stuck because you’re scared to trust hope without micromanaging every little thing to “make” it happen.

📲 Monica: And I get it. I really do. Letting go feels risky. But what if the thing you’re terrified to let go of is actually the thing blocking what you want?

📲 Monica: You don’t have to let go of hope. You have to let go of the version of hope that’s wrapped in fear and control. The version that says, “If I don’t keep pushing, it won’t happen.”

📲 Monica: What if hope could be expansive instead of exhausting? What if, instead of it keeping you in a cycle of waiting, it lifted you into something even more powerful?

📲 Monica: Because that’s where we’re going, Mabel. We’re not stopping at hope. We’re moving into trust. Into gratitude. Into joy. Into love.

📲 Monica: Hope is the bridge, not the destination. You’ve used hope to pull yourself out of despair—but now it’s time to go higher. Now, it’s time to step into the energy of already having it.

📲 Monica: That’s the shift, Mabel. Not less hope. Just less gripping… and more allowing.

💬 Mabel: …Damn. I’ve never thought about hope like that before.

💬 Mabel: I think I’ve been using it as a lifeline, but not a bridge. I’ve been holding onto it so tightly, afraid to let it carry me forward.

📲 Monica: Exactly. Hope isn’t meant to keep you waiting. It’s meant to move you.

💬 Mabel: Deep sigh. I don’t know if I’m there yet, but… I want to be.

📲 Monica: That’s all you need right now. Just keep catching yourself when you start gripping. Keep choosing to step into trust, even if it’s uncomfortable. That’s how you rewire it.

(⏳ A long pause.)

💬 Mabel: You know… I don’t think I’ve ever had someone I could talk about this with. Like, really talk about it.

💬 Mabel: It’s always been doctors, protocols, advice. Do this, try that. No one’s ever just sat with me in this part of it.

💬 Mabel: I don’t even know how to put it into words, but… thank you. I don’t feel crazy when I talk to you.

📲 Monica: You’re not crazy, Mabel. You’re just waking up.

💬 Mabel: That might be scarier than being stuck.

📲 Monica: Yeah. But it’s also a hell of a lot more freeing.

💬 Mabel: Smirks. Guess I’ll find out.

📲 Monica: You will. And you don’t have to figure it all out tonight.

📲 Monica: Do me a favor? Close your laptop. Put your phone down. Get some sleep.

📲 Monica: Let your brain settle. Let your body rest. You don’t have to solve this in one night, Mabel. You just have to let it in.

💬 Mabel: Deep sigh. Yeah… okay.

💬 Mabel: Thanks, Monica. Really.

📲 Monica: Always. Now go. Sleep.

💬 Mabel: Fine. But if I have some weird-ass dream about all this, I’m blaming you.

📲 Monica: LOL! Deal.

The Dream

Mabel didn’t remember falling asleep, but suddenly, she was there.

Not in her bed. Not in reality. But in some dream version of her apartment—except things were… off. The walls were shifting colors like a mood ring, the furniture looked like it was half-melting, and in the middle of her kitchen sat Monique, perched on the counter, eating a bag of chips like she owned the place.

Mabel blinked. “Oh, hell no.”

Monique grinned. “Oh, hell yes.”

Mabel looked around, groggy, confused. “What—what is this?”

Monique tossed a chip in the air and caught it with her mouth. “Listen, babe. You’re spiraling so hard, your subconscious had to call in reinforcements.”

Mabel groaned. “Can I get one night without a deep psychological intervention?”

Monique smirked. “Apparently not. Now sit.”

Mabel glanced around. “Where?”

Monique kicked a chair out from under the kitchen table with her foot. “I don’t know. How about the chair that’s literally right in front of you?”

Mabel rolled her eyes but sat. “Fine. What fresh hell are you here to bring me?”

Monique leaned forward, steepling her fingers like she was about to lay down some ancient wisdom. “Let’s talk about hope.”

Mabel groaned. “Oh my God, are you serious? I just had this conversation with Monica.”

Monique grinned. “I know. And I’m here because you’re still not getting it.”

Mabel folded her arms. “I get it.”

Monique raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? Then why is your literal dream version of me here to spell it out again?”

Mabel opened her mouth, then shut it.

Monique nodded. “Exactly.”

She hopped off the counter and started pacing, waving a chip like it was a damn lecture pointer.

“Here’s the deal, babe. You think you’re sitting here ‘holding onto hope.’” She made air quotes. “But what you’re actually doing? Is using hope as an emotional support hamster wheel.”

Mabel frowned. “A what?”

Monique pointed at her. “A hamster wheel. You’re running in circles, calling it hope, but never actually getting anywhere.”

Mabel sat back. “…Shit.”

Monique nodded. “Yep. Hope is great—if you use it right. But you? You’re clinging to hope wrapped in control. You’re not letting it lift you into something higher. You’re using it to justify staying stuck.”

Mabel bristled. “That’s not fair.”

Monique crossed her arms. “Really? Then tell me—what does your hope actually feel like? Expansive? Light? Like you’re open to receiving?”

Mabel hesitated.

Monique smirked. “Or does it feel like you’re gripping the wheel so damn tight that your knuckles are white?”

Mabel exhaled. “F***.”

Monique clapped her hands. “Ding, ding, ding! We have a breakthrough!”

Mabel ran a hand down her face. “Okay, so what? I just… what? Stop hoping?”

Monique snorted. “No, dumbass. You upgrade your hope.”

Mabel looked at her, exhausted. “That’s a thing?”

Monique grinned. “Oh, it’s a thing. Right now, you’re sitting in hope tied to fear. Hope that’s saying, ‘I have to keep doing everything right or it won’t happen.’ That’s not real hope. That’s fear wearing a cheap wig.”

Mabel stared at her. “…Fear wearing a wig?”

Monique shrugged. “A bad one, too.”

She sat back down on the counter, her tone shifting—just a little.

“Real hope, babe? It feels light. Expansive. Open. It’s hope plus trust. It’s hope that knows, deep down, that you’re already on your way.”

Mabel swallowed. “And mine… isn’t that?”

Monique tilted her head. “What do you think?”

Mabel sighed. “I think my hope has a death grip on the steering wheel.”

Monique smirked. “Bingo.”

A long pause.

Mabel rubbed her temples. “So what do I do?”

Monique leaned in. “You stop hoping like you’re begging and start hoping like you’re expecting—like you KNOW it’s coming.”

Mabel blinked.

Monique pointed at her. “Right now, your hope is saying, ‘Please, please let this happen.’ That’s scarcity hope. That’s ‘I don’t believe it’s actually possible, but I’ll keep trying just in case.’”

Mabel swallowed.

Monique continued. “But upgraded hope? That’s ‘I know this is happening, and I’m getting out of my own way so I can let it the f** in.’*”

Mabel sat there, staring at her.

Monique snapped her fingers. “What?”

Mabel shook her head. “You just… said that in a way that actually makes sense.”

Monique smirked. “Of course I did. I’m in your head. Now, are you ready to upgrade or what?”

Mabel let out a slow breath. “I think so.”

Monique grinned. “Good. Because if you don’t, I’ll be back. And next time? I’m showing up in a musical number.”

Mabel groaned. “Jesus Christ, okay. I’ll work on it.”

Monique winked. “Good girl. Now wake up, princess. You’ve got some trusting to do.”

Subject: The Upgrade, Mabel

Hello Mabel,

I don’t know why, but I have this strange urge to tell you… hope can be fear wearing a bad wig. I have no idea where that came from; it's funny what pops up in our minds. Anyway, I thought I would share; I know you won't judge me.

Here’s what I do know—this shift you’re making? It’s big. And it’s uncomfortable because it’s the opposite of how you’ve been operating your whole life. But that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re doing it right.

The “old you” clung to hope like a life raft, hoping and wishing and waiting. The new you? She’s upgrading. She’s stepping into expectation, trust, and knowing. She’s moving beyond just hoping it happens and into letting it happen.

So here’s your reminder:

• Keep catching yourself when you’re gripping. When your hope starts feeling like control, pause. Take a breath. Loosen the grip.

• Shift into trust. Not forced trust, not fake-it-till-you-make-it trust. Just gentle, quiet, of-course-it’s-happening trust.

• And get some sleep, because, well… let’s just say I have a strong feeling that certain people will show up again if you don’t.

You’ve got this. And you don’t have to figure it all out today.

Let’s Do This Together 💚

Monica

Finding Fertility 

Listen to the Finding Fertility Podcast: The Secret to Fertility Success, Trusting Your Body & Breaking Free from the Infertility Struggle 

Let's Do This Together 💚 Monica