Podcast: The Illusion of Control: Why Letting Go Could Transform Your Fertility Journey

Finding Fertility

Podcast: The Illusion of Control: Why Letting Go Could Transform Your Fertility Journey

26:54

 

Discover why the illusion of control might be holding you back on your fertility journey. Learn how to trust your body, surrender to the process, and embrace transformative practices for success.

Podcast: The Illusion of Control: Why Letting Go Could Transform Your Fertility Journey

Are You Gripping Too Tightly to Control?
Do you ever feel like your fertility journey is a full-time job? Between tracking ovulation, following strict diets, and researching the latest fertility trends, it’s easy to believe that controlling everything is the key to success. But what if that need for control is actually holding you back?

In this week’s Finding Fertility Podcast episode, we dive deep into the illusion of control, its impact on your body, and how trust and surrender can unlock the transformation you’ve been seeking.

What Is the Illusion of Control?
The illusion of control is the belief that if you just manage every little detail perfectly, you’ll get the outcome you desire. In the context of fertility, this can look like:

• Overanalyzing every symptom.
• Sticking to a rigid plan of supplements and lifestyle changes.
• Feeling like you’ve failed if your efforts don’t lead to immediate results.

While control can feel comforting, it creates stress and sends the wrong signals to your nervous system, disrupting the balance your body needs to thrive.

How Control Impacts Your Fertility
When you’re micromanaging your fertility journey, your body picks up on the stress. This activates your fight-or-flight response, which can:

• Overwork your adrenals.
• Disrupt your endocrine system.
• Hinder gut health and other vital systems needed for fertility.

Simply put, control can push your body into survival mode, making it harder for it to do what it’s naturally designed to do: heal and create life.

The Shift: From Control to Trust and Surrender
So, what’s the alternative to control? It’s not about giving up; it’s about shifting your energy. Trust and surrender allow your body to thrive in a state of alignment. Here’s how:

1. Trusting Your Body’s Wisdom
   Your body is a natural healer. By trusting it, you can let go of the fear-driven need to over-control.
2. Surrendering to the Process
   Surrender doesn’t mean doing nothing—it means doing the right things with the right energy.

Practical Steps to Let Go of Control
Letting go doesn’t happen overnight, but these steps can help:

1. Practice Radical Honesty
   Ask yourself: What am I really afraid of? Is this action helping or adding stress?
2. Simplify Your Checklist
   Focus on the essentials that truly matter, like gut health, stress management, and energetic alignment.
3. Build Trust in Your Body
   Shift your mindset by recognizing that your body is on your side.
4. Prioritize Rest and Joy
   Find moments of joy and stillness, even if it feels counterintuitive. Joy and gratitude are powerful healers.
5. Embrace Stillness
   Incorporate simple meditations, like the grounding exercise from this week’s episode, to reset your energy and quiet your mind.

A Real-Life Example: Mabel’s Journey
In the podcast, we explore Mabel’s story—her obsession with control and how it left her exhausted and unfulfilled. By letting go, she found the clarity and alignment she needed to move forward with trust and confidence.

Mabel’s transformation isn’t unique—it’s possible for anyone willing to shift their focus from fear to trust.

Why Letting Go Matters Beyond Fertility
The practice of surrender doesn’t just support your fertility journey—it prepares you for pregnancy, postpartum, and motherhood. Trusting yourself and releasing control now can set the stage for a more joyful, balanced life.

Ready to Let Go? Here’s What to Do Next

1. Listen to the Full Episode:  🎧 Tune in here for a deep dive into the illusion of control.
2. Read The Illusion of Control Blog Post: The Illusion of Control When You're Dealing with Infertility & Failed IVF
3. Try One Small Shift: This week, choose rest over research or let go of one checklist item.

Transformation happens when you trust your body and embrace the magic of surrender.
Letting go of control is one of the hardest—and most transformative—steps you can take on your fertility journey. It’s not about doing less; it’s about doing what matters with the right energy. By shifting from control to trust, you’re creating space for your body to thrive and preparing yourself for the next chapter of your life.

Are you ready to break free from the illusion of control? 

FOLLOW ALONG ON SUBSTACK

Let's Do This Together 💚 Monica

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Full Transcript:

Hello beautiful and welcome to the Finding Fertility podcast.

00:10
I'm Monica, your mentor in uncovering the hidden layers of your fertility journey. Together, we'll discover the right path for you within the six essential steps to creating the family of your dreams. We'll ditch the overwhelm, tune into your intuition, and build a vibrant foundation for your fertility. Whether it's through gut health, subconscious healing, or energetic alignment, you can unlock your body's natural power to get and stay pregnant.

00:37
Your fertility journey is all about radical responsibility and deeply believing that your body is on your side. It's time to stay consistent, embrace trust, surrender, and create the transformation you deserve.

00:51
Finding fertility does not diagnose, prescribe, or treat any fertility issues. What we do is empower you to take control of your health by uncovering the root causes, holding you back. Let's do this together. Happy Fri-yay y'all! Welcome back to another episode of Finding Fertility. I am your host Monica Cox and I am so honored you are here with me becoming the conscious mama you were born to be. Okay, before we jump in today, we are going to do a little...

01:19
meditation, grounding exercise, to be able to let go of the things that we are holding onto, gripping onto because control feels good. The chaos of control feels good to our nervous system, but that's not what we want anymore. So let's get comfortable, find a position wherever you are. You can even do this in the car. Just please do not shut your eyes.

01:48
You can stand, you can lie down, you can be doing the dishes while you do this. So I want you just to take a moment to notice the support beneath you, the ground, the chair, the surface, the car seat, wherever you are. And what I want you to do is take a slow, deep breath and through your nose for a count of four. One, two, three, four, and hold it gently at the top for a count of two.

02:18
One, two. Now exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of six. One, two, three, four, five, six. Gonna do two more times. Inhale for a count of four. One, two, three, four. Hold at the top for one, two. Exhale for six. One, two, three, four, five, six.

02:48
Inhale for four, one, two, three, four. Hold out the top for one, two. Exhale for one, two, three, four, five, six. Now I want you to imagine roots growing from the soles of your feet. We're gonna visualize grounding energy, anchoring you deep into the earth.

03:16
Picture this connection stabilizing and supporting you, no matter what you're doing right now.

03:33
Now we're gonna let go with each exhale. So with your next inhale, imagine breathing in a soft golden light, pure, peaceful energy, letting it feel your body. As you exhale, visualize releasing a smoky gray cloud, any worries, fears, or doubts leaving your body. Each breath in brings.

04:02
clarity and calm each breath out, let's go of what's no longer needed. The things you cannot control.

04:15
Imagination is the key here.

04:26
Do this for three more cycles at your own pace.

04:42
When you're ready, put your whole attention on your heart space. Feel your heartbeat and whisper silently or scream it out loud. I am open. I am grounded and I'm ready to let go and receive. And here's a tip before we dive into this episode. This is how easy meditation, emotional release, energetic release can be.

05:10
It doesn't have to be long, it doesn't have to be hard. Obviously the longer ones are deeper, but this one can really help just reset your energy when you are spiraling out of control by trying to grip on so hard to the control that is this fertility journey. So I want you to picture this.

05:35
You're sitting on your couch surrounded by three apps tracking your ovulation, a stack of fertility books, and a Pinterest board dedicated to gluten-free recipes. You're convinced that if you just manage all the details, the universe will have no choice but deliver that positive pregnancy test. Does this sound familiar? Well, girl, you're not alone. I did this as well, and probably...

06:00
99% of the other listeners are doing this as well or have done this at some point of their journey. We're going to talk about today that that need of control might actually be working against you. If you haven't already, I have been writing through three characters, Mabel, Monica, and Monique. The reality is these three characters are one person. And yes, I have been and still am all three of them.

06:30
This is me practicing what I preach. I needed to get more creative in finding fertility. Just giving you guys facts and scientific evidence just wasn't setting my soul on fire. So this is my outlet to really help you and this is my service to the world and it actually lights my soul on fire and it's so much fun. I'm really hoping that through these three characters,

06:55
you guys can see that there are these three different dynamics inside of yourself and really allow maybe less of Mabel, a lot more of Monique, and a nice mixture of Monica being the balance. So if you haven't already, let's meet Mabel, the queen of control, and how one email, one very long

07:24
20 page email. I know emails don't have pages, but just envision it detailing every moment of her fertility journey that has been for about two years now from base body temperature charge to list of supplements longer than my grocery list. She was doing it all. And you know what? She was exhausted and she wasn't seeing the results that she wanted anyways. Mabel wasn't just chasing a baby.

07:54
She was chasing certainty in a process that's anything but certain. This email got me thinking about the illusion of control. Her email got me thinking about the illusion of control, why we cling to it and why it's so hard to let go. So I'm gonna break this down for you right now. Control gives us the illusion of safety and the illusion that we achieve what we want to achieve. It has probably served you really well.

08:24
and that's why you're running the same old pattern in your fertility journey that you have been for the last few decades. Control, it's like wrapping ourselves in a cozy blanket of I've got this, but here's the catch. Control doesn't guarantee results as you might be seeing right now. The fact is, in a fertility journey, it probably does the opposite. When we're constantly micromanaging,

08:51
We're telling our bodies, I don't trust you. And that stress that control comes with, it sends all the wrong signals to your nervous system and your adrenals, therefore affecting your whole endocrine system and disrupting all the hard work you're doing on the physical side. So if control isn't the answer, what is? Let's talk about trust and surrender. Trust and surrender aren't about giving up.

09:19
They're about creating space for your body to thrive. When you trust your body, you shift out of survival mode and into this state of alignment. That's where the magic happens. And no, this doesn't mean doing nothing or even doing less than you're doing right now. It means doing the right things with the right energy. For Mabel, this looks like setting down the checklist and learning to listen to her body. And the hard fact is,

09:47
that trust and surrender are one of the hardest things to do when you are type A, when you're an overachiever, when you feel like you have to micromanage every single detail because trust and surrender feels like you're doing nothing. And I know what you're thinking. If I let go, won't I miss something important? There is a very important part of your journey that you have to trust that you have found everything right for you right now.

10:18
That doesn't necessarily mean that the things that you're doing are the ultimate thing, like the last thing that you need to do. But let me give you an example here. When I first changed my diet, and anyone who has done diet changes know it's extremely hard. You are changing habits, you are changing patterns, you are changing a mindset around your food. There's various different levels.

10:46
And this is why the subconscious work is so important during this time because it makes the physical stuff easier if if I knew that at that time I was highly intolerant to all the nightshades and had to go full-on Autoimmune autoimmune paleo diet from my normal standard typical American diet I don't think I'd be able to stick to it by time I had found out that I

11:16
needed to do that for myself for a few months. Now I know that I could have just done it for a shorter time, not for a decade. I don't know if I would have been able to be that strict with my diet because I didn't have access to the LEAP MRT 167. I didn't have access to these things, so I had to do the elimination diet. So the steps were important for me because I actually stuck to it.

11:44
Now, I didn't have the right guidance and support, I just, I'll throw that out there. There was nothing like finding fertility out there or, you know, other amazing people saying the same thing. But it was really important for me to just show up where I was at that moment. If you are new to diet changes and you're like, I can't even imagine cutting out, let's say, the five top food intolerances, don't. Start with one or two.

12:14
start with the one you think is gonna be the most impactful. Now, if you have the resources to access a high quality food sensitivity test, you are gonna save yourself so much time and effort and eventually money knowing what your food intolerances are right now so you can eliminate them to help rapidly reduce that inflammation while you're doing the subconscious and the energetic work to release.

12:43
any of those food tolerances, you're just gonna be able to get to your ultimate goal quicker. So part of this trust and surrender is that you are doing the best, that you know how right now, and being willing and open for something that's gonna give you just a little bit more edge further down the line, instead of trying to do it all. Okay, before we jump into the five action steps, I'm gonna read you a little bit from

13:12
The illusion of control. Mabel's voice trembled. Her words slipped out faster than she could catch them. But what if I wait? And then it fails. And then her voice cracked, unable to finish her thought. Monique didn't miss a beat. Her tone cut through the silence like a sharp wind. Ah, there it is. The truth came out quicker than I thought. It's not the IVF failing that you're worried about, Mabel. It's you failing.

13:40
That's what has you running this fertility rat race. Sprinting to the finish line, hoping that when you cross it, you'll finally feel worthy. Mabel's eyes weaned slightly, and for a moment, she looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Monique's bluntness had landed squarely on the truth. But it wasn't something Mabel was ready to fully admit yet. She opened her mouth to argue, but Monica stepped in.

14:07
Monica's heart ached for Mabel. She knew all too well the thoughts that crept in during the quiet moments. When another period arrived, screaming that your body was broken, or when another negative pregnancy test felt like a personal failure. She knew how infertility didn't just change your hope, it attacked your identity as a woman. Mabel, Monica began softly. It's okay to admit that this journey has made you question your worth.

14:36
Society doesn't prepare us for this. It tells us that as a woman, we're supposed to be able to create life effortlessly. So when it doesn't happen, we don't just feel sad or disappointed, we feel broken. Like we failed at the one thing we're biologically designed to do. Tears welled up in Mabel's eyes as she nodded, the words hitting far too close to home. Monica continued,

15:05
leaning in slightly as if to close the emotional distance between them. And yes, I know how it feels like it's more than just IVF failing. It feels like you're failing, like you're letting yourself down, your partner down, your family down. Like every stumble is proof you're not enough. And the hard truth is that the fear of failing, this fear of failure is lying to you.

15:33
It's convinced you that if you just control everything perfectly, you can guarantee the outcome. But let me tell you something, your worth has nothing to do with your ability to get pregnant. It's not measured by a test result, a cycle, or how perfectly you follow every protocol. So if you haven't already, I highly recommend you go read the Illusion of Control.

16:01
a story between Mabel, Monica, and Monique. It's over on the blog or over on Substack. You can find the links down in the show notes. But my follow-up email after our session, I provide some action steps that seem pretty mundane, but are radical life changing. And when you are dealing with this level of control,

16:30
extremely extremely important to give yourself grace during this practice because what you're doing is you're learning new patterns, you are firing and wiring new neurons in your brain, you are competing against old fears, and you are you know redefining decades worth of BS. So there's a lot to unpack so just give yourself grace but here are some simple steps that you can do.

17:00
today. So you're gonna hear me say this a lot more often. You've got to start practicing radical honesty with yourself. Okay? So the moment you catch yourself in the act of over controlling, overthinking, over planning, I want you to pause and ask, what am I really afraid of? What is really going on here? Do I have to really control this? Or is this another thing for me to feel like I'm doing something?

17:30
Because if I'm not doing something, then I'm not going to achieve my ultimate goal. So the answers in those questions that you ask yourself are really the first step to change an awareness of where you need to hyper focus on to create that change. It also, when you keep catching yourself and not letting yourself spiral into those made up conversations or...

17:56
overplanning or over controlling, you are stopping those neurons and you're firing new ones. So the more you do it, the quicker it becomes. Okay, so the second thing is letting go of the checklist. I have coached so many people on this and a lot of y'all come to me with these huge checklists and you want more on them. So we got to reduce that.

18:23
because it's just too much, it's way too much. We wanna focus on essentials that matter, okay? Things that are really going to move the bar. So if you're dealing with gut health issues, that's your main focus right there, main focus, okay? Am I doing the right things to massively increase my gut health? Stress, if stress is your big thing, how are you stress managing yourself? Because the reality for a lot of people can't, you can't.

18:52
Quit those stressful things, whether it be your job, your family, even, you know, IVF. Like if you truly want to do IVF, you're not going to just stop. You got to manage that stress. Everyone should be doing this, removing stuff from your checklist so you could just bring more joy into your life. Because that's what happens when we're in over control in a fertility journey. The joy of our life gets sucked out of us.

19:19
And I'm telling you, the more you bring joy back into your life, even though you think it's not helping your fertility, you're not doing anything to improve your fertility, I can't 100% guarantee, but like I'm telling you, joy and gratitude, let's bring more of that into our lives. Okay, so building trust in your body. This is a huge one with people who have had multiple years of quote-unquote failure.

19:48
You just don't trust yourself, whether it's even just the ability to get and stay pregnant or if you're into more energetic stuff, muscle testing, you think you're following your intuition and it leads you down yet another road that you didn't feel like gave you the result you wanted. So it's building that trust back up. I truly think a lot of it is that we are actually...

20:14
not truly in our empowerment and listening to our intuition, because we're still in this over control mode. So we think we're doing all the steps, but the reality is the noise is still way too loud, and we're still in over control mode that the messages aren't, the messages that we truly need aren't getting in. So it's not that what

20:43
You know, like what you've been doing is wrong. It's that if you look at it, maybe with a radical lens Have I still just been over controlling it and that can go into if you're using the emotion code the body code Because those are all self-driven books Any kind of modality yoga Acupuncture reflexology like I'm doing all the things

21:08
But the reality is, are you actually, and this comes back to the radical honesty and even the meditation we did at the beginning, are you slowing down? Are you really getting silent? Are you allowing yourself that stillness? Because if you're not, then you're probably not really getting the intuition hits that you would be getting, and you would be able to trust yourself a lot more. Trusting your body and its abilities, here's the thing.

21:38
And this is the hard fact, right? Your body is a healing machine, period. There's many different reasons why you might not be seeing the results like a successful live birth, but everyone, everyone on this planet, your body is designed to heal. And letting go of control could just be your last little snippet of that healing process. And even a...

22:07
allowing yourself to heal from bigger things like autoimmune conditions. Okay and then step five is rest and joy. We got to slow down. When we're over controllers, sitting with ourselves, even just sitting reading a book, listening to music, taking time for ourselves, doing things that bring us pure joy, not for achievement, right? Those things go out the window and you have to bring those back in.

22:37
It's like a requirement because I'm telling you right now, and I fell into this because I didn't have this kind of guidance. I didn't... My fertility journey seems to be very physical and it's really my motherhood journey that's brought me into the energetic part of it. I ran the same god... I ran the same patterns. I was running in my fertility journey until...

23:06
I unconsciously surrendered and let go. Like, my journey was so long, I just, I was over it, right? Like, I defaulted to letting go and surrender. I didn't consciously do it. And so I ran the same patterns and I was an overdoer, overachiever for a large portion of my baby's, you know, baby years. And I don't regret it, but I kind of look back and go, man, man.

23:34
So I'm telling you right now, the more you can do that now, the better your time with your babies, because it's such a finite time, this like babyhood, right, is going to be better. So as you start to let go, another challenge might pop up, overthinking. And that's what we're going to tackle in our next episode. But let's summarize what letting go of control is all about.

23:58
It is gonna be one of the hardest and most transformative thing that you're gonna do for your fertility journey Not just your fertility journey, but your pregnancy your postpartum and All those years of motherhood Remember, it's not about giving up. It's about shifting your energy from fear to trust You don't have to do everything perfectly You just have to show up for yourself with love and attention and silence Okay, make sure

24:28
you check out the Illusion of Control over on SubSac or the blog. It is so much more detailed than this. They have an amazing dialogue and I really hope it resonates with you. Try to tap into some of the steps provided. And if you're really into this, try one small shift this week. Maybe it's letting go of one to do.

24:55
or choosing to rest over research. And if you're ready to go deeper, obviously you guys know I'm here for community sessions. I have my one-to-ones. You can jump into mindset or dreams, and that's gonna help you really, really make sure you're on the right steps, the right path of the diet, rest and recovery, energetics, awareness, mindset, and surrender.

25:24
Okay my beautiful friends, thank you so much for joining me and until next time, have a beautiful week. Thank you once again for tuning in and becoming the conscious mama you were born to be. Remember, I wasn't some magical unicorn who stumbled into fertility success. I stayed consistent, I put in the work, and I made it happen. And guess what? You can too. By discovering the right path for you.

25:50
In the six essential steps including diet, rest and recovery, energetics, awareness, mindset, and surrender, you can create the family of your dreams. I know you've already downloaded the amazing free guide, but if you're ready to really truly step into real action, make sure you either grab the six steps to boost your embryos, the mini course pdf, or look into Fertile Body for physical support.

26:19
Fertile Mind for mindset and energetics. And if you want it all, that's where Dreams, the online course, comes in. Make sure for personal guidance, you can join a community session or book a one-to-one private call. And remember this, transformation happens when you stay committed to yourself. Trust your body, follow your intuition, make it possible. Oh, and if you're still here and you love this podcast,

26:44
please take some time to leave us a review. It's like literally the only way other people can find this podcast. So help a sister out.