How do you deal with the disappointment of infertility?

“When we get stuck in our own struggle we can’t see others’ struggle.”

Topics Discussed:

• How to handle your emotions and why it’s important to cry.
• How do you deal with the disappointment of infertility?
• How to deal with negative thoughts.
• How do we move forward with our thinking while we are struggling with infertility?
• How can we identify our triggers for our anger or other emotions?

When it comes to infertility we are told often from a young age that we cannot show emotion, that showing emotion equals weakness.  As a result of this many of us turn towards other emotions when we are going through the infertility journey.  Anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy and so much more can rise up.  

“Anger is exhausting.”

In this episode, we talk about not just how to deal with your emotion in a positive way in order to let yourself feel, but how to recognize your feelings and thoughts.  We can lay more emotional baggage on ourselves by feeling guilty for our negative thoughts, but by recognizing that our thoughts are not who we are, that can help us on our journey of working through them.   

“Observe your thoughts, but know you are not your thoughts.”

We have to come to an understanding that it is okay to feel, it is okay to feel sad.  We don’t have to keep everything bottled up.  In fact doing so leads to even more frustration and anger.  It’s our desire that in this episode we show you that infertility and the journey does not have to ruin your life, and that life can still be beautiful.

Full Transcript: 

0:00
Hello beautiful and welcome to finding fertility Happy Friday all it is June 5, I can't believe how quickly this year is moving with or without us right with everything that has happened over the last few months time it just won't stand still. And that's a good thing and a bad thing. I know with infertility every month you feel like that is another month loss gone and you might feel that you're not stepped closer to creating your dream family. The beginning of the month means that I have a few new coaching spots available. So if you are ready to take control of your fertility health and get a really customised 30 day action plan that isn't just for you then go over to WW dot finding fertility.co Check out the ways I can support you through your journey with or without functional testing. It's really up to you and where you want to go with your journey. Most people that come to me have really already done it all and something just still isn't clicking and that's my job to help you find where those missing pieces are and help you put them into place. So if you're ready to take control head over to the website finding fertility Dotco check out the coaching packages and get in contact with me sign up today because Spaces are limited. I only take on a few clients a month so if you want this month to be your month go sign up today. Now without further ado, let's get to today's talk show where we are talking all things emotions, because this Coronavirus has got us emotional welcome back to another episode of finding fertility. We are back with another talk show. Super excited to have the girls back on let's go around and introduce ourselves. Go ahead Devin. Hi, I

2:09
am Devin by Aiza V fertility finance coach I help women make save and manifest money to fund their fertility therapy.

2:17
I'm Sarah Clark, founder of fat fertile and hosts so they get pregnant naturally podcast and we have access to functional lab testing and help couples make diet and lifestyle changes.

2:27
And I am Dr. Edmund Budzinski. I'm a therapist and fertility coach and I help women with the emotional and spiritual aspects of their journey.

2:35
And I'm Monica Cox, I help you explain your unexplained infertility. And we are here today talking about emotions. And it has been a long few weeks for the entire universe. So we wanted to come on and talk about emotions. Because even when you have a grip on your emotions, and you have some really good practices that you can help yourself get through the really hard times, she still goes down, you still get pissed off, I swore at someone yesterday underneath my breath, because now you have to be you know, doing certain things because of COVID-19. And it's just getting a little bit frustrated, right, we've been stuck indoors for a really long time. And I've seen some of the clinics reopening. Some of them aren't. So everyone is kind of still in this very big grey zone. And we just wanted to maybe give you guys a little bit of a pep talk on how important it is to keep up these practices during this time. So emotions. I know for me, I did not take control of my mental health until really far into my journey. I honestly didn't even know it was a thing. I didn't even know that your mental health actually affected your physical health. And I Oh, like it really struggled to get into meditation. It took me over a year to get into yoga. Like it was really hard because it's such a slow practice. But once I started changing my mental health and my mental outlook, my whole journey shifted. Did anyone else find that in their journey?

4:15
I didn't discover like, I didn't discover anything until I was way past my journey. So I was 40 and fully in menopause until I was then I'm like, oh really like I think along the way, like I discovered life coaching and all of that. And that was my wake up call. But meditation. And other words when I say this, I did like 25 years ago when no one was really doing yoga. I was doing yoga, but I'd kind of go in and laugh because everyone was so serious. And now you know, there's yoga studios around every corner so and my mom was into Transcendental Meditation 35 years ago because she has been a vegan for like, over 30 years. So I remember her doing that Transcendental Meditation and I was telling me your mantra like tell me your secret thing and she wouldn't tell me and so she was exploring all these things like handwriting analysis and palm reading and all these different things and I was like, Oh, this is kind of neat. But I, I was not quite yet into any of that spiritual mindfulness, any of that at all, I was completely disconnected.

5:08
You know, for people who don't listen to this regularly, you were told at a very young age that you couldn't have your biological children. And it was a relatively easy journey, but you still had to do a few different rounds of IVs. Find different donors, what were your coping mechanisms, then?

5:27
I don't know, I always had this knowing in my heart that it would work. I am an optimistic person. So I went in there, and I'm a planner. So I had to plan a plan B, if it didn't, I was gonna travel around the world, because basically, you know, both my kids are from donor eggs. So the only time I kind of broke down and didn't didn't break down, when I received the diagnosis, obviously, I was in shock. But I went into action looking back because duck, like there's, there's some time to grieve, there is some time to like, wait a minute, connecting to because I was so disconnected from my body. And then the only time I broke down was when I wanted to get a dog during this time. My husband's like, No, we're not getting a dog. I don't want the responsibility. I want a dog. So we got the dog. But that was the only time where I like broke down which and there's a whole thing actually, when I gave birth to my daughter, I was like, 18 hours of pushing, and I didn't cry at all. And finally, the Labour delivery nurse said to me, You can cry. I'm like, what? Oh, because she said at that point, you need to do a C section. And so she gave me permission. So that's my journey of letting my emotions out and being very kind of Steely, and I'm not inside and very intuitive and that but I have the thing of not wanting to show my emotions. But that's as we evolve and learn more about ourselves that that is not it's actually brave to let this stuff out and show your emotions.

6:41
Yeah, I think that's probably a lot of people in their infertility journey is putting up that wall of protection, isn't it? You guard yourself. And if you feel like you allow yourself to break down or cry, you're like, defeated or something I know. I think

6:55
you feel it's weak, but it's not it's it's it's courageous to do that. And also a release to get it out. Yeah, exactly. It's still not my it's still not my default. Like when I'm stressed, I become an asshole. Oh, me too. I'm an idiot. I'm like, Oh, you're okay. Ericeira obviously, you're stressed. You're swearing at people and yelling, like, you need to go and do your quiet self care or whatever that is.

7:20
Yeah. 100% It's funny how, Oh, your subconscious beliefs and what has been put into you as a child comes out? And you're like, Why did I Why am I that way? Why Why can't take cry when it is very appropriate to cry right now.

7:37
The same diagnosis as me and and they, it takes them months and months to be able to even think of even looking at a path forward is extremely devastating and be told, you know your own, you're not able to have your own biological children. Obviously, with functional approach we can we can help someone people that have POF not all people, but not everyone is destined for donor eggs.

7:56
Exactly. How did you find the emotional journey? Ma, you're a very spiritual person by nature?

8:02
Well, although I think this was just a whole nother level, right? I think and as I always say that that kind of the fertility journey was the boot camp was boot camp for the soul, which I didn't expect it. And I think this is a fairly common story in terms of talking to other people. But I was an achiever until that point, you know, face a problem, right? I'm going to solve it, I'm going to work really hard, work really hard, do things, and then I will achieve things. And this is something that doesn't work like that. So there was a whole nother level of coping, and a whole like, this is primal stuff, right? desire to be a man is so deep that I think again, so that was like as a whole nother level a whole nother magnitude of stuff. So that is when I kind of went into the kind of a bit of a manic place, I think in terms of I will do anything and I will find anything and nothing was off no buts were off. But in that kind of trying anything. I think I was recognising which I kind of I'm thankful to myself for recognising that I needed different sorts of support. I needed a bigger support structures, as in the universe, and whoever else would listen to me, then I would I would normally do and the tendency in these kinds of times is to get smaller and and kind of and put up the defences and come in. Whereas actually, I think that there's there's a lot to be said for being more expansive and drawing in from wider does that does that make sense? Of what what's what's out there? So I think yes, so I think that the journey was a kind of enlightenment thing and I kind of don't say that lightly. And again, we all say this, nobody would wish this on anyone because it is horrific and horrible and but there are things that you can discover about yourself. And I think that emotional robustness and all those tools that you can access and like we talked about this deep, your own intuition, your own strength. Yeah, that was something that certainly it took me on a journey to that. Yeah,

10:13
I think everyone here resonates with that, like we have, obviously, we're here because of infertility. And we all got here in very different ways. But we all took that incredible hardship and made it into who we are today. You know, we took, you know, our inner strengths, and it wasn't easy. None of us can sit here and be like, Yep, thank God for that. I mean, it took us years, right. And we're still to this day working on ourselves and our path. And so it's not a quick and easy journey. You know, I think sometimes this whole, you know, emotional side and mental side of health gets kind of, you know, poo pooed. Because everyone thinks it's woowoo, right? You can't like see it, you can't there's no magic formula for everyone. There's no right way. And so people are just like, oh, whatever, it doesn't work more. The fact is, it's like a muscle, you got to use it and use it and use it and use it. And then all of a sudden you turn around, you're like, holy shit, I can run two marathons now, in my mind.

11:17
And I also think it's it's that sense of the kind of grittiness of it, because I think quite often people feel it's about being positive, I've got to be positive. And that's the trick. And it's like, well, no, actually, do you know what sometimes it might be about being really raw and ugly crying? That's actually what it might be. Some days, it might be more about positivity in some days, not and I think it was talked about, and I know Robin talks a lot about fertility Warriors is that sense of the warrior and the strength of that. And that means accessing all the emotions, and you're not just positive, happy face, actually, the steely determination, which we know you have to have on this journey, all of that.

11:58
And Devin, this is you know, you're a fertility finance coach, but mental health is what got you here today, right? You That is all what it's all about. It's not about the physical money. It's about the mental relationship. Tell us a little bit about your mental journey.

12:14
Yeah, I think in the beginning, very similar to probably all of you and being an achiever and a type A, and you have a problem finding a solution and being really just just immersing myself, and what am I going to do about this, and I was okay with the doing this plan didn't work, move on to the next one. And I remember the first time that the clinic called me, they, I had to call and report my negative pregnancy test, and a nurse called me about it. And I was walking into the grocery store, I remember the exact moment she said, I'm so sorry. And I realised that it was a sad thing. It was, it was sad to not be pregnant, it was sad to be trying and for it to be not working. And she sort of gave me permission to feel sad about it. And until then, it wasn't on my radar. And I would say I was still sort of just assuming it would work every month. So in that way, it's you in the beginning, especially, it's easier to pick yourself back up quickly. Yes, you're sad, it doesn't work. You're you have your period, and there's this grieving process. But then you instantly have this hope for the next month. And so I feel like the longer that the journey went on, obviously, the less optimistic you become, the more money you have spent, the more time energy emotion has been invested. And it starts affecting every area of your life, your relationships, your work mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and all of the coping mechanisms that had gotten me to this point in my life, were no longer working. calling my mom didn't make me feel better hearing Bible verses at church, it didn't make me feel better talking to my best friend who didn't get it because she wasn't going through, it didn't really make me feel better. My husband didn't get it there. All of a sudden, I was just really feeling alone. And I had no other coping mechanisms, but to dig deeper than I had ever dug and discard everything in my life that wasn't working. And that's what infertility will do. It'll really shed light on all of the sort of the false coping mechanisms, the things that aren't really going to help you long term in your life and it will force you to either turn on your blinders and pretend you don't see it and continue the patterns that aren't working. Or you will have to face it head on and do some major soul shifting.

14:35
What was the first like epiphany for you? What was the first book or what was the what was the thing that got you like, wow, this money mindset is actually going to help me with my journey. Not just financially but mentally.

14:49
Yeah, there was a lot of books that had nothing to do with money that it started with. So after we the fourth IUI we did that was medicated worked. And then We'd lost the pregnancy. And that was a big turning point for me, and all of a sudden, took on a whole nother level of grief. And I realised how much having a baby did mean to me. And it wasn't this casual thing. And I was really grieving for the fact that I might never be a mother for this little beam that I had loved already and was already, you know, I go through my app, and I would read to it, what it was doing that day, you know, like the cells that were changing and the magic that was happening, and I would lay in the bath with my hand on my tummy and imagine this little boy, and how amazing it would be to have him go fishing with his dad. You know, it's not just the loss of a pregnancy, it's the loss of all of those plans and hopes and dreams you had for that baby. And I the coping mechanisms weren't working, and I could not shift. Anger is predominant. For me, my default is anger, because anger feels strong. Anger feels like I could do something about it, and powerful, and it protects me. And sadness feels so weak, and pathetic, and there's just nothing to do with it, it's just going to consume you, and you're never going to climb out of it. And I really struggled with going there long enough to heal myself. And it was it was a gnarly place to be for a few months. And I finally went and saw a counsellor to work through it. And that's where things started to shift for me in a positive way. I read a book, I still have it when bad things happen to good people. And it's about a rabbi who wrote it whose son was suffering from with this disease that they it was never going to get better. And it was really deeply questioning, why do terrible things happen in the world, because that's what it made me more aware of like this was my own situation. But all of a sudden, when this is on your radar of how unfair this is, and that there's no sense of justice in the world that this girl who's a total piece of trash from high school has six kids, and I can't have one. You know, like, these are the thoughts you have when you see these celebrities and they're having babies and you're like that girl like but not me. And then all of a sudden you think but look at everything else in the world that's going on? Why are there children in this country that are dying, orphaned? Because their parents had AIDS? Like, I literally my mind would go to all of the unfairness in the world. And so I needed a book that was actually literally questioning God, why is this allowed? Why is this happening? Like I needed something that at the deepest level, I could analyse my beliefs and give myself answers. And eventually it became a choice of, do I choose for this suffering to have meaning? Or do I choose to let it make me bitter and sad forever. And that was the only choice I had, because I couldn't choose anything else that was happening to me. 100%.

17:59
I mean, you almost kind of get to this point where you don't want to feel that angry anymore. That you allow that sadness in. Maybe like Sarah resonates with this too. Like some part of our childhood, we were told that it was weak, to be emotional, or to cry. And so, you know, anger is the easiest emotion but like you say, it's the strongest emotion. But I think it's the emotion that wears you down the most. And it's like a monkey on your back and you just can't get it off. And you get to this point, you're like, Okay, that's it. I have given whatever you want, like whatever I need to do. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. And I don't want infertility to ruin my life. I have a beautiful husband. I have beautiful family. I have beautiful friends. Like yes, it would suck not to have children, but I can have a beautiful life. So how am I gonna get there?

18:55
I think that is that anger is exhausting. Because you are constantly on guard. That is what it does in your body, isn't it you are on high alert, kind of on a physical level. Anger is tiring. But it also is and I totally resonate with that too, Devin in terms of making a choice. I remember thinking I want to look back because because the dream for me it was of this magical conception don't like say, like hippie soul wanting thunder and lightning and this beautiful conception and then this, you know, then my child would be born into the star lights. And all of that would be amazing. That was my dream. And of course, ironically, it ended up completely the most medicated verse in the world. But it was amazing. But anyway, I remember thinking, I want to look back on this journey and tell a story that isn't about me being in a terrible place. And you have to work with yourself and what what feels right for you. But if that works for you to think actually what I'm doing in this moment is I'm trying to make the best of this moment so that I can look back on this journey and tell a story about it. And a journey towards my baby that was of moving forward and of strength and have those kinds of Things that for me definitely was a driver in terms of I got to find magic in this, I have got to find things that are beautiful and special and all of those things and in a kind of a say in a kind of desperate way, but also, it helped to take me forward. And like Devin said, it was the thing I had a choice about, I will take some kind of control of this journey. And there is control here of something. And that's what I can control.

20:25
And because it is this personal growth thing, and for me, it didn't like so there was obviously some personal growth during, you know, having to choose donor eggs and going that way, but really like mine didn't come till years later. So there's still like, if you have not resolved blah, this shit, it just keeps coming up and up. And all these patterns keep coming up. And you know, so for me, it was like when I was 40. So 10 years after I had my kids and being able to look into those emotions and getting honest about you know, seeing why why do I become an asshole when I'm when I met with something that, that, you know, I immediately want to fix and solve and attack and being able to look at my reactions I do believe is all about self awareness about what feels right for you, and how and to see how you're, you keep showing up in a certain way. Because you'll keep doing it until you you know, you come off that automatic pilot to be able to be aware of, oh, okay, I keep doing this. Keep beating myself self up, I keep getting angry. I'm you know, I'm stuck in the, you know, the unfairness of things I'm in wherever you are to kind of look at yourself and, and reflect.

21:33
And I think it's important to remove the judgement. I feel like when you're talking about being angry, how exhausting that is, and how terrible it feels to be angry. I hated being the friend that could not be happy for her friends. Like I hated the nasty mean jealous thoughts I had about the people in front of me at the grocery store, it feels icky. Because you know, that's not who you are. And so I think that was really important. Like Sarah just said, to observe your thoughts, but to know that you are not your thoughts. So you are driving the car, you are not the car, you're the bartender, you're not the bar, like you are inside observing thoughts, but you are not those thoughts. And it's okay, just to verbalise it, I just had a thought about my pregnant sister in law that said, this bitch has a baby before me. And then to say, you know, wow, that was a really angry thought that was a really jealous thought, you know, how do I feel about having that thought, and then you're able to let it go, you're able to observe it as an outsider, because you are not that thought you are not those emotions. And it's okay and natural. Everybody who goes through this, and is honest with themselves will be able to say they're having a hard time in one way or another.

22:50
Yeah, to get to that instead of reacting, responding, which is all well and good. When you're in a thing that is triggering the crap out of you and you go immediately to reaction. The key is to be able to see yourself and maybe it's not until later but to be like, oh, here I go. Again.

23:04
In our community, it's really easy to kind of jump on other people who say things that aren't very kind to someone dealing with infertility, the whole just relax, or have you tried this or go on vacation, or it's really being aware that they have like no sense of your reality, and not to let that anger or that hurtness like build up in you and attack them for something that they have, like no clue about, right? Honestly, I've got someone in my life who has been there every step of my journey and will still say to this day, stupid shit. Just like, but if I didn't have the awareness in myself of like, that's not anything to do with you. It's just that awareness, right of other people's reactions, other other people getting pregnant, everything outside of what you're able to control, or to observe about yourself is something that you have to work on, you know, I get all the time comments from people like are all like, say something on Instagram or Tiktok about diet and like, what fucked up your fertility, like kind of as a joke. But in all seriousness, you know, we all have something in our lives that we have eaten over and over and over or drink that has contribute to our health. And so therefore, our infertility and people are like, Oh, you're just making people feel bad about themselves. And I'm just like, Look, I can't make you feel anything. If I can make you feel something it would be empowerment, love in control of your journey. It's definitely not guilt. And if you're feeling guilty because of a comment like that, that's something that you need to look into and explore why, why does that trigger me?

24:47
I also think that we're that we're obviously in doing on the fertility journey, where it's a struggle, which has a beginning, middle and end. But all of us like the whole world human there, everyone's struggling, and when we get stuck in our own struggle goal we're not able to see that other people are struggling to is to have that and that empathy. And so they may be saying things but that's got nothing to even do with us. They need to make a comment, but that's coming from their third lens. But it's it's hard, right? When those triggers, those are our buttons and we want it to be like freakin react where it's like how do we breathe? And then wait a minute, that's my trigger what's actually going on here, which is all fine and dandy, right? It's so it is a process and it'll keep whacking you. Like, for me, it's it's that I always like the vision myself, banging my head against the friggin wall going and getting so like angry and frustrated. Until I'm like, Oh, that's my trigger. That's just okay. I don't need to bang my head against the wall. I can I can ease into this going, Oh, Sara, that came back from when someone said that years and years, whatever it was, whatever the hell, you know, sends me off, then you get to see that and being able to then reframe it. But that that positive thinking that Pollyanna thing, you know, and some people when they're saying affirmations are like I will be a mother like when they say that you're like, I can't even say that affirmation. Are you freaking kidding me? Like, I can't even see that. And so it's gonna be start with you know, I'm strong. And maybe even that doesn't even feel right. Some of those rewiring takes a little bit of time, but it's a start start somewhere. It takes a lot of time. Sometimes. I mean, lifetime. It's a lifetime really, like you're all a work in progress. Yeah,

26:16
whoever designed the subconscious mind is a real fucker. Like, as a piece of work there. But yeah, it is definitely so important for your mental and physical health to start recognising these triggers, recognising what triggers you why it triggers you and start digging deep. You know, a lot of the time, I would imagine all of us find this actually, is that when you get a client, you can almost instantly tell that they have a deep seated issue that they have not resolved, and that's why they're sabotaging themselves, either financially, physically or mentally. And it's really hard not to go come on, let's talk about what happened when you were 10 years old. Because you know, that's like the last step. Like you have to ease into those steps. And then it's like your last call or your follow up call with them. You're like Okay, you ready? Ready to go, you know, please you don't want to go I mean, I know I've been there. And I like still in there working through some stuff but it is weird to say because it's maybe not tangible, but a lot of the root of why you're having health issues lies in your self sabotaging mental beliefs about yourself you know, you drink the wine you eat the crappy food you don't go to bed early, you spend too much money you live above your means all those things are self sabotaging. And unfortunately for us, we have the genetics that produce the infertility someone can be exactly like you and not be infertile and that's the shit thing about it like you say definitely maybe you feel you're a better person.

27:58
So I certainly know for a fact that there are people I know that are I'm legit about a person

28:11
with clients because like I'll keep the clients keep mirroring my own shit to me. Me telling them something. And Sarah, you need to hear that too. So it keeps keeps mirroring and mirroring because they're coming to me because they see something in me that's in them. And then we ended up as the coaching I'm a few steps ahead of them. But I'm still a work in progress. And these things are for me to work on to I'm finally finally after years and years I'm reading Biology of Belief by Dr. Bruce Lipton. I don't know why it took me so long to read that book but he's a you know, a cellular microbiologist and like super freakin smart guy and talking about all our how our emotions impact our body on a cellular level, like this shit is proven and science. And you know, we're taught to kind of look at some of these other modalities energy medicine and acupuncture and things that have been around for 1000s of years. It's quackery, but like we are, we're energetic beings. And this is this is Emma's whole whole realm. But it's, it's true. And to be able to see that and be able to use our mind to heal is freaking awesome.

29:11
So it's I mean, I just think Sarah said it really beautifully. And I think that's coming back to this primal desire to be a mom, and that you, you know, you because you will feel this is all of you, this isn't just your mind. It's not just your heart. It's not just physical, it's the whole package. And so that's the invitation of the infertility journey, at which point someone's gonna want to punch me in the face, but kind of that that is the thing because in terms of your whole self, it affects your whole self and bringing your whole self to it and being aware of your whole self that can turn it around for you and can set you up for moving forward in a whole different way. It truly can. And so that is where you're at and you're kind of feeling all sorts of emotions that you haven't felt before. that you're feeling really uncomfortable with or totally resonates with that anger. And this is not the sort of person that I want to be. But it may be it's bringing up anger, maybe you are a people pleaser usually. And actually, for the first time, you're kind of actually just fuck this is around me now not about you I'm going to, that may be a really useful part of your journey to go, I am going to take time for myself now. And I'm not going to listen to you anymore. I've taken your advice for many, many years, but you don't know best anymore. Maybe that's part of the journey for you. And that can bring that can be incredibly painful. But it also can bring a strength and it can bring a new perspective on your life and your relationships, which is saying may not always be welcome, but may take you to the new place that you need to be

30:45
there is a closer today clip on the podcast probably about a few months ago now from Dr. Joe Dispenza. And he talks about how even before a meet sperm, how the mom and dad are emotionally feeling. It has an effect on that AIG and that sperm before they meet. And it blows my mind is just like, that's crazy. Like, I gotta IVF Well, we all have IVF babies here. Like, I know how my husband was feeling. I know how I was feeling. But it's, it's just so hard like Devin, you said all the time, it's not tangible, that stuff isn't tangible. So it's really hard to hold on. And keep in the back of your mind when you're struggling to do the diet changes to stick to you know, your mental routines to your yoga to your your finances, any of that, to keep that belief that what you're doing now, you know, can have a super amazing positive impact that you'll never know about. Right? You will never know about all these little things.

31:48
There's not a one to one ratio, there isn't I do this. And then this happens the next day. It's this cumulative effect of all of the things together. And so I think the solution is your motive has to be different than fertility. So, you know, am I going to see a counsellor? Because it will get me pregnant? No, I'm going to see a counsellor because I fucking hate my life right now. And I can't stand feeling like this for one more day. And I have to do something, this is the only thing I can do. And so you know, you might need to find a different motivation. Do you want to choose a happy ending to your story? Because it makes it worth it? No, you know, it wasn't worth it, it was awful, I would still choose to never have to do all of that again, or you know, like, that's okay to not be looking for the silver lining, do it because you know that this is still your life. And you have that's the only thing you have a say in and you refuse to stay feeling this way. And it turns out, nobody's coming to save you. Nobody can make this better. Not one book, not your husband, not your best friend or your parents, not the beliefs you were raised with. If you have not found yet what is pulling you out of this. Just keep going. Just keep searching. Because it is a cumulative effect of all of the things you will learn and all of the new things you will adapt into your life and it is you stepping into the best version of yourself. And I know it doesn't feel like that it feels terrible. And like mo saying it's really painful. But you don't learn anything on your good days. You know, the best most sparkly shiny fun days where you're just winning all day long. You don't learn anything, you enjoy it, but it is those deep dark, can't get out of bed can't stop crying want to punch a wall it is those days that are strengthening your resolve and like the steel in the fire becoming who you're meant to be that will these lessons will serve you forever and they will serve your future family

33:48
100% So to wrap it up wherever you're at your journey I always think knowledge for me it's knowledge just keep learning and learning and learning when you think you know it read a different book and get a little bit more knowledge or a podcast What's your go to book that you would recommend someone read right now you know if we're still on lockdown, this is coming out in the beginning of June. What is another book to pick up and help you through like any kind of mental aspect journey or even a book that you found helped you get through your mental journey because I had so much great information and

34:24
I love Jen Sincero you're a badass at making money is awesome. But she also has the one before that you are about us and really though changing your beliefs seeing a little practical with magical and introducing manifesting it can be a real game changer. And I would highly recommend

34:40
it. I just actually finished reading both of those books. And so if you're listening to this podcast, you obviously love swearing and a little bit of sassiness so those books would absolutely hands down be right up your alley. Sarah What do you got for us?

34:53
I have a fun like a functional medicine one which I love on anxiety depression mindset. Dr. Kelly brown Again, a mine of your own, she is fucking she is a badass. She is like insane. So she's an MIT trained Cornell University trained psychiatrist who moved to a functional side of things. So that's the functional side of things. If you had anxiety, depression and deal with this for your whole life, one that I really like is Dr. Jon Kabat Zinn. So wherever you go, there you are. I think that's a typo. Anyway, he has a whole host of them. So he's really the Pioneer pioneer mindfulness, and I book is awesome. Every everything I'd read, I'm like, oh, it's relevant, like each it's like tiny little chapters that are relevant to your everyday life. So Jon Kabat Zinn. Nice. And Mo,

35:35
what do you have? For us?

35:36
This is such a hard question, because I love the books and to pick one, pick one, but the one that comes into my mind, if you are in lockdown, I think in terms of wanting a kind of friends on board, I think that Jessica Hepburn, I'm just going to show it right so beautifully. But her journey, 1010 rounds of IVF, she went through and then and didn't become a mom at the end of that. But the pursuit of motherhood in terms of just and then 20 My mind, and I said, oh, and I was trying to fit into as No, but the pursuit of memory would probably be the one. It takes you through her journey. And I just think that sense of all the feelings that you are feeling, they are normal. And I think that's what that book will tell you that it kind of is all totally normal. This is a very strange ride that you were on. And I'd recommend it and the eloquence of her writing is just beautiful. So for me

36:26
the book that kind of well, I've got two books that changed my life. It's 10% happier by Dan Harris. He is the notorious I think he was like a ABC reporter and like had a mental breakdown live on air. So he was like, Okay, if I didn't check myself because

36:41
yeah, he had a panic attack live on air. Although you when you see it, you can't see him. In his mind. He was reeling and it was done. But when you look at me just seems to pause.

36:50
Interesting. So that one just really helped me get my head around that meditation didn't have to be the super hippie sit on a pillow kind of thing, and just how life changing it could actually be. And then the power of slow which and I think we could all use it improved my golf game, if anything, but it really just helped me to slow the fuck down. That is still one of the hardest things that I have to do now. But the most powerful book, I must say that I've ever read is origins. And I don't know the author's name, but it is a book that talks about pregnancy and how the nine months is so important on physical and mental health. She goes in talking about how there's never going to be any proof or scientific study how stress affects the baby, because it would be unethical to put a bunch of pregnant people through a shitload of stress. But she had this rare moment in time in Alaska, where the power went out for like months and months and months. And so she was able to study a group of women that were pregnant and follow the kids health to adulthood. And it is just super fascinating. And it really helped me in my deep moments of just wanting to drink fucking red wine and eat a loaf of bread and not do meditation and not do yoga just to focus on the greater picture the things that I cannot see the things that even if I tried to control aren't going to be set in stone, but that these things matter if you're stuck in isolation still or if you got a little bit of freedom and you still have some time on your hands. Definitely check out one of those books. I hands down believe that it will help you on your journey to better mental health during this pretty short time you're going through. That is it for us today. Thank you so much for joining us and we will see you next week. You can find all the recommendations for the books and how to connect with all of these beautiful ladies down in the show notes and we will see you next Tuesday for another closer today clip. Thank you once again for joining us here on finding fertility. If you would like to connect with any one of the beautiful women here on the talk show the fertility connection all their information is down in the show notes. If you are loving this podcast please feel free to be best a rating and review. Let us know how this podcast is helping you move through your fertility journey and what you want to hear more of. That's it for me today. Have a beautiful weekend and we will see you next Tuesday 

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Monica

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Anything written or said about health and diet are my opinions, that I have formed over the years, through trial and error, study, reading, listening and observing. What worked for me may not work for you. I am not a doctor, nutritionist or dietician and all medical advice should be gotten from a qualified professional. Product recommendations are based on what I used during my infertility journey or wish I had.