Week 5: Why Surrender Feels So Threatening When You Want a Baby During Infertility & IVF
Control is rarely loud.
It is quiet.
Polite.
Productive.
It looks like responsibility.
It feels like survival.
Most women I speak to do not identify as controlling.
They identify as careful.
Committed.
Doing their best.
And they are.
But there is a moment when effort stops serving life.
When the nervous system shifts from engaged to braced.
When the body is no longer moving forward, only holding on.
That moment is easy to miss.
Especially when control once kept you safe.
When holding everything together was required.
When slowing down was never an option.
Surrender is often misunderstood.
It gets framed as quitting.
As giving up.
As checking out.
That misunderstanding keeps women stuck in motion long after their bodies have asked for rest.
True surrender is not passive.
It is not careless.
It is honest.
It is the moment you stop pretending the pace is fine.
The moment you admit that pushing harder has not brought relief.
The moment you notice how much effort it takes just to stay upright.
Fear lives underneath control.
Fear that ease means irresponsibility.
Fear that letting go means nothing will happen.
Fear that if you stop gripping, everything will fall apart.
Those fears are not wrong.
They are learned.
But they are no longer leading you where you want to go.
There is a difference between action and force.
Between consistency and pressure.
Between devotion and bracing.
The body knows the difference.
You can feel it in the jaw.
The chest.
The gut.
You can feel it in how little room there is for joy.
For curiosity.
For breath.
Surrender begins with noticing.
Not changing.
Not fixing.
Just noticing where effort feels heavy.
Where the grip is tight.
Where relief feels threatening.
That is not failure.
That is intelligence.
When control softens, even slightly, something else becomes possible.
Not because you tried.
But because you allowed.
And sometimes, that allowance is enough to let the body remember how to exhale.
Listen Now: Why Surrender Feels So Threatening When You Want a Baby During Infertility & IVF
Week 6: Why Slowing Down Can Feel Unsafe During Your Fertility Journey
Let's Do This Together 💚
Monica
Listen up, lovelies: Everything I share about health, diet, or fertility magic is my opinion. Yep, it’s all based on years of trial and error, study, reading, listening, and side-eyeing the nonsense out there. What worked for me might be a jackpot for you—or it might be a total flop. Bodies are weird like that. 🤷♀️
Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not a doctor, nutritionist, dietitian, or any other kind of licensed health wizard. If you need medical advice, run—don’t walk—to an actual qualified professional. Don’t come back here saying Monique told you to eat kale for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, okay?
As for the products I mention, they’re either what I used during my own infertility rollercoaster or what I wish I’d known about back then. No guarantees, no promises, and absolutely no refunds on your hope budget if it doesn’t work out.
Now that we’ve cleared that up, proceed with curiosity and, above all, discernment. You’ve got this. 💪✨
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Full Transcript:
00:00
Hello beautiful and welcome to the Finding Fertility podcast.
00:10
I'm Monica, your mentor in uncovering the hidden layers of your fertility journey. Together, we'll discover the right path for you within the six essential steps to creating the family of your dreams. We'll ditch the overwhelm, tune into your intuition, and build a vibrant foundation for your fertility. Whether it's through gut health, subconscious healing, or energetic alignment, you can unlock your body's natural power to get and stay pregnant.
00:37
Your fertility journey is all about radical responsibility and deeply believing that your body is on your side. It's time to stay consistent, embrace trust, surrender, and create the transformation you deserve. Fighting fertility does not diagnose, prescribe, or treat any fertility issues. What we do is empower you to take control of your health by uncovering the root causes holding you back. Let's do this together. Happy Friday y'all. Welcome back to another episode.
01:07
completely honored you are here with me.
01:11
It is weak
01:15
yourself over the past few weeks, you've started to notice where control quietly runs your day. Where it is disguised itself as safety and how it shows up mostly in the ordinary moments you rarely question. You've seen how quickly control turns into fixing and managing, often before you even felt what's underneath. And like I confessed last week, I had that coming through. uh
01:44
with these little short episodes not being enough and that I had to do more and I had to control and I want this outcome for you so badly and for me. So this week we stay with that noticing, but we're gonna gently turn towards surrender. Notice one place where you are holding on tightly because you are afraid that if you loosen your grip, everything will fall apart. I have said this.
02:13
tons of times and I will continue to say it, it's an illusion. The control and the gripping and the overdoing, even all the holistic things to get pregnant actually, all of it. If you are doing it from a frequency of fear that it's not gonna happen, it is literally doing the opposite to what you want. And I'm not just saying getting pregnant.
02:42
It is harder to move through this journey when you are in a death grip. Surrender is a huge part of dreams. There's a whole section about surrender inside both of the courses. And before we move on, I really want to make it clear that surrender is not quitting. It's not checking out. It's not pretending that you don't care.
03:08
I know that I resisted surrender and most women resist surrender because they associate it with loss of control, loss of agency, and I get it. I know exactly how that feels because for many women holding on has felt like survival. And I will tell you, I didn't do this on purpose. The deep surrender that I went into during my
03:35
first pregnancy and first miscarriage. I was in the time of my life where we were moving. My husband was in the Royal Air Force, we moving from York to Lincolnshire. And I quit my job, we sold our house, I moved to a little village in North Wells called Rossnagat for nine weeks. I had nine weeks of summer in this little village. Did the transfer, got the positive pregnancy test.
04:06
and waited out until my seven-week scan. I was forced into surrender because there was nothing more I could do. I didn't have a job. I already knew a few people in this community because we had lived there before. I didn't have a house to decorate or overplan because we knew we were only there for nine weeks, so we didn't even really unpack. I literally had nothing to do.
04:29
So I was forced into this ultimate surrender of filling my days with mundane things, taking walks on the beach. It was a beautiful summer. We were really lucky with the weather there because it's like the windiest place on earth. I made a beautiful felt book by hand. I knitted myself a jumper. I did gratitude journal every single morning as the sun came up on my steps into the house. I was just forced into
04:59
something that we all dream about, right? Or at least we dream about that in our heads, but in reality, like we could have that to a certain level, but our nervous systems and the way we pattern and the control and the doing, the overdoing, the overanalyzing, we don't even allow ourselves to do that. But I was in such an amazing place in life and the stars all aligned. And then we went for our seven week scan. There was no heartbeat. And I still had weeks of surrender left.
05:27
And I couldn't do anything because I chose not to have a DNC. So I just had to wait. There was no fixing. There was no overanalyzing. There was no, just get back on the course and my periods come and okay, what else can I do? There was none of that. I just had to wait. And it took quite a few weeks for my body to basically have a miscarriage. We were moving to Lincolnshire. We were lucky that our clinic was in Sheffield. It was the same from where we used to live.
05:55
But we had wait to get into Lincolnshire, move into our house, settle down, see where I'm at, see where my body's at. I wanted to connect with a new OB-GYN and that's when I met the OB-GYN that literally laughed at me when I told her my hypothesis about autoimmune and affecting fertility and she told me it was made up science. Anyways.
06:18
We knew we were going for another frozen embryo transfer. decided, me and my husband decided I wouldn't work. So I got thrown into surrender. Now this wasn't some magic bullet and I do not believe this is the one thing like you have to have this surrender to get and stay pregnant and why I got pregnant with my IVF baby. That's not what happened. But it absolutely showed me how amazing
06:46
life can come and what amazing opportunities and how I felt my life flowing. When I went back to all of my old patterns, especially after my second son was born, I always refer back to that time of this ultimate gift of showing what surrender could be like. Because I had let go of that survival of full-time job, full-time IVF rounds, being a wife.
07:14
being a friend, being a family member, traveling, like all the things that we pile onto ourselves because we are just trying to control the crap out of our lives. This week is not about just letting go. It's about understanding why you're holding on so tightly in the first place and noticing one place in your life where you grip, where you can really feel the grip and it's so tense.
07:44
Where effort feels heavy, it doesn't set your soul on fire. Where you're bracing, managing, or monitoring yourself so closely that you just have no room to breathe or no room for joy. I want you to feel what's underneath that grip. It's often fear. Fear that if you stop holding everything together, it will all unravel. Fear that ease means
08:14
that you're irresponsible. Fear that surrender means nothing is gonna happen. If I don't work hard for this, if I don't do this, it just won't happen. If I spend a year taking care of myself and then I realize that I did need IVF, that IVF was gonna be supportive for me, then I wasted a whole year, which is not true. You never waste time, my friend. Remember, surrender is not absence of action.
08:42
It's the absence of force. True surrender doesn't feel like collapse. It feels like honesty. This is why getting radically honest with yourself matters so much in this journey. It's the moment you stop pretending you're okay with the pace you're running, with the emotions you're feeling, with the to-do list. And it's the moment you admit that pushing harder hasn't brought you peace. It hasn't brought you joy.
09:11
It hasn't brought you a baby. It's the moment you allow yourself to feel instead of manage. So this week isn't about trying to surrender. It's noticing where surrender feels threatening. That's where the work starts. You can ask yourself, what am I holding onto right now? Where do I feel it in my body? Then use the tools you have acquired. And if you haven't acquired them, jump into one of the courses.
09:40
to move the emotion, shift the frequency, show up in those mundane moments and kick yourself out of those stories. Do nothing when you want to do everything. I want you to start really becoming that observer and see that relief, that peace, that joy is not something you have to force. It's something you allow in. And the only way to allow it in is to see what walls
10:11
what blocks you have. The controlling leads to the overdoing. So next week we're gonna shift into the overdoing. That effort becomes the default. So hopefully that we are noticing the control patterns, we're gonna notice the overdue patterns, and we are gonna start making those micro shifts to release all of that BS. So have a beautiful week and we'll see you next Friday.
10:37
Thank you once again for tuning in and becoming the conscious mama you were born to be. Remember, I wasn't some magical unicorn who stumbled into fertility success. I stayed consistent. I put in the work and I made it happen. And guess what? You can too. Remember, this transformation happens when you stay committed to yourself. Trust your body. Follow your intuition. Make it possible. The links that you need are down below.
11:04
And if you are still here and you absolutely love this podcast, please take some time and leave me a review and help other women like you find this podcast to get the support they need.
