Week 20: Why Letting Go of Control Feels So Uncomfortable but Necessary During Infertility & IVF

It took me a while to recognize that nothing new was actually needed.

Not another protocol. Not another adjustment. Not another layer to get right.

Just a quiet return to what had already been building.

This is where this conversation lands. Not at the beginning of something, but somewhere further along, where the effort starts to feel different. Where the constant doing softens just enough that you can feel yourself again underneath it.

Because for a long time, it can feel like the only way forward is to keep adding. More structure, more discipline, more intention. And at some point, that stops creating movement. Not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because the way you’re relating to it hasn’t shifted yet.

That’s what begins to change here.

Not in a dramatic way. Not in a way that announces itself loudly. But in the small, almost easy-to-miss moments where you pause without forcing it. Where you notice your body tightening before your mind jumps in to fix it. Where decisions don’t feel like something to solve, but something to listen for.

It’s subtle, but it’s different.

There’s a steadiness that starts to come through when you’ve spent enough time meeting yourself in those ordinary moments. It’s not discipline in the way most people think about it. It doesn’t feel like effort or pushing or holding yourself accountable. It feels more like something settling into place.

And from there, control doesn’t disappear, but it loses its edge. The urgency that once drove everything begins to loosen. Not all at once, and not perfectly, but enough that you can feel the contrast.

That’s where trust starts to come back in.

Not as a concept, and not as something you try to convince yourself of. But as something that shows up in how you move. In how you respond. In how quickly you notice when you’ve drifted away from yourself, and how naturally you find your way back.

There’s no finish line to this. There isn’t a point where you arrive and everything stays fixed. It doesn’t work like that. It builds through repetition, through slipping out of it and returning again, through recognizing that the return itself is the practice.

It becomes familiar.

And once something is familiar, it no longer feels out of reach.

That’s why the idea of a “magic fix” starts to fall away. Not because things don’t change, but because you can feel that change is coming from a different place now. It’s not something you’re forcing into existence. It’s something you’re allowing, by staying with yourself consistently enough that your body begins to trust it.

That consistency looks different than most people expect. It’s not about doing everything perfectly or maintaining some ideal routine. It’s about showing up in the way you live your life. In how you eat, how you respond to stress, how you make decisions, how you notice when something feels off.

The basics don’t disappear, but they stop feeling like obligations.

They become choices you understand.

There’s a difference between doing something because you’ve been told you should, and doing it because you can feel why it matters. That shift changes the experience entirely. It removes the pressure, and with it, a lot of the resistance that comes from trying to keep up with something that never felt like yours in the first place.

What’s left is simpler.

Not easier, but clearer.

And from there, you start to see that this doesn’t end at any specific milestone. Not at pregnancy. Not at birth. Not at any point where things finally “work out.” It continues, because it’s not something you were doing to get somewhere. It’s something you were learning to live.

So when things tighten again, because they will, there’s less panic around it. Less urgency to fix it immediately. You’ve been here before. You know what it feels like to come back.

That knowing matters.

It means you don’t have to start over every time something feels off. You’re not rebuilding from scratch. You’re returning to something that already exists within you.

And maybe that’s the part that lands the most.

That nothing here was ever about becoming someone else. It was about removing enough of the noise, the pressure, and the constant doing… so you could recognize yourself again.

And from there, move differently.

Listen Now: Why Letting Go of Control Feels So Uncomfortable but Necessary During Infertility & IVF

What's Next? What Happens After You Stop Trying So Hard to Conceive During IVF & Infertility

 Let's Do This Together 💚

Monica 

Listen up, lovelies: Everything I share about health, diet, or fertility magic is my opinion. Yep, it’s all based on years of trial and error, study, reading, listening, and side-eyeing the nonsense out there. What worked for me might be a jackpot for you—or it might be a total flop. Bodies are weird like that. 🤷‍♀️

Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not a doctor, nutritionist, dietitian, or any other kind of licensed health wizard. If you need medical advice, run—don’t walk—to an actual qualified professional. Don’t come back here saying Monique told you to eat kale for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, okay?

As for the products I mention, they’re either what I used during my own infertility rollercoaster or what I wish I’d known about back then. No guarantees, no promises, and absolutely no refunds on your hope budget if it doesn’t work out.

Now that we’ve cleared that up, proceed with curiosity and, above all, discernment. You’ve got this. 💪✨

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Full Transcript:

00:00
Epifraye y'all, welcome back to week 20. I am so grateful to you and I'm so proud of you if you have done all 20 weeks. And I truly hope that this has been life-changing. I mean, if you've stuck with it and you've actually shown up for yourself, I know it will be. I know that you're not gonna be perfect at this and I know that this is something.

00:27
that is going to be a new life practice without having it to be on your to-do list or to overthink it and just keep continuing to show up for yourself. I know that this is the work I do day in, day out for myself, for my clients, for my family. And I have seen such a radical shift of how I move through this world, how I've always known

00:57
that nothing is set in stone, you know, within reason. But becoming the ultimate creator of your life is a gift that once you give it to yourself, like no one can take it away from you. And I'm just super excited for you. So this week there's nothing new to introduce, nothing to explain, nothing to add. This week is all about noticing what has already integrated.

01:27
Over the past few months, I truly hope that you have seen your control soften. Your overdoing slowed down, your time pressures loosen, your awareness becoming steadier, and trust beginning to replace urgency. Like I said, not perfectly, not all the time, but enough to feel the difference. This is coherence. This is true surrender.

01:56
This is not mindset, it's not a practice. It's the felt sense of being aligned with yourself. And the more you honor those glimmers, the stronger they get. So I hope that you notice that you just move a little bit differently now. You pause without effort, you listen before acting, you feel when something is off without needing to fix it immediately.

02:26
And this is not discipline, it's embodiment. So this week, I want you to simply notice how you show up. Notice how your body responds to stress. Notice how decisions feel. Notice how much less effort it takes to stay with yourself. Remember, there is no finish line. The finish line is death. There's no end and there's no rush to get there, that's for sure. And

02:54
Like I said in the beginning, this way of living doesn't end just like my clean eating lifestyle did not end after I had my second son. We are over a decade now of clean eating. Are we as clean as we were before? Absolutely not, but I don't have to be. And I continue to live a certain way and now this

03:21
stepping into this ultimate creator of my life is the next phase. And it's just easier because I've done the little stepping stones as you are doing right now and it builds and builds and builds. And so my hope for you is that you didn't necessarily think this was going to be the magic bullet. There's no magic bullet to getting pregnant. There's this steadiness of consistency.

03:51
and making sure that you are following that intuition and using the discernment in the different decisions that you have to make, letting go of the control, the overdoing, the story. So this way of living, it doesn't end after birth. I hope it just deepens. And when you feel yourself tightened again, rushed again, overdue again, you know the way back.

04:21
I said it before, it's muscle memory. Once you've been somewhere, you know how to get there again. It's okay to slip back. I honestly probably do not know a human that doesn't slip back. I know a lot of people that stay back, but most of us get back on that horse. And I hope that's you. With honesty, with joyfulness, with trust, with presence, listening to yourself.

04:49
keep up this practice. These things are part of your daily life, just like brushing your teeth, just like getting movement, just like having a shower. You don't have a shower once a month and are clean. I'm like, absolutely not. Because I get where you're at of like, how much more do I have to do? This is just about showing up in a different way now instead of saying, how much more do I have to do?

05:18
This is what I get to do to create my reality, to create my dreams. So with radical honesty, look back with all this knowledge that you have now, take the stuff off your to-do list that you don't have to do, right? I mean, I want things that light you up. The things that you are trying to introduce to your life that aren't have-tos, like, do you have to eat clean meat? Yes.

05:46
Not to get pregnant, right? We know people who eat like crap, but to have high quality cellular health to help support your developing child. That's why you have to eat cleanly. That's why you want to eat cleanly. Do you have to find ways to cope with the stress levels if you cannot quit your job? Yes. You have to do those things.

06:13
But make sure those are things that aren't just on a to-do list, that they are things that you truly want to show up for yourself in those ordinary moments. You're coming back to who you are innately. Your fertility is innate as well. That is going to come back to you when you're coming back to yourself. So thank you for staying with us. Thank you for slowing down enough to feel it. Thank yourself.

06:43
because I know that your future self and your baby when they're older are gonna thank you. And remember, this isn't the end, it's the rhythm you are returning to. Have a beautiful week and we will see you next Friday on another episode of Finding Fertility.