The Illusion of Control When You're Dealing with Infertility & Failed IVF

Starting January 17th, Monica will guide a 10-week deep dive into these ten truths, peeling back the layers of chaos with practical tools, empowering insights, and her real-life experiences. Whether you’re feeling stuck in your fertility journey or wrestling with overwhelm and doubt in another area of life, these conversations offer a roadmap to healing and transformation. Tune in to the Finding Fertility Podcast and blog for more real talk, actionable steps, and the space to create the life you’ve been working so hard to build.

Why Grief Isn’t Failure: The Raw Truth About Infertility and Healing

1. An Obsession with Control
Mabel is trying to micromanage every detail—her cycles, her diet, her emotions. But this constant need for control is draining her energy and keeping her stuck in a loop of anxiety.

The Illusion of Control

Monica opened her inbox, cradling her tea as the Hawaiian breeze fluttered through her window, carrying with it the scent of plumeria and a reminder of just how amazing life had gotten. Her gaze settled on the latest email from Mabel, the subject line bold and unapologetic: "My Fertility Journey: Everything You Need to Know Before Our Session." 

She clicked it open. At first, her scrolling was tentative, but it quickly turned into an endurance sport. Line after line, paragraph after paragraph, it stretched on, seemingly without end. This wasn’t just long—it was epic. The kind of email that demanded snacks, a cozy blanket, and maybe a second cup of tea. Heck, maybe even lunch.

Monica chuckled, leaning back in her chair. Of course, she thought. These emails always have their own gravitational pull, pulling you into every detail, every worry, every “what if.” She shook her head with an amused smile. If I’d had the chance during my own fertility chaos, I would’ve write the exact same email. 

But back then, there wasn’t a Monica to email. No one you could find with a few taps on a phone, someone to spill it all to and hope they’d make sense of it for you. Man, Mabel, she thought with a mix of humor and understanding, you’ve definitely got the overachieving thing down. Taking another sip of tea, she could already feel the weight of Mabel’s anxiety folded into every word. It was part of the process—she knew that all too well & he first few lines of the email confirmed her suspicions:  

Dear Monica,

I wanted to give you a full picture before our session. Here’s a breakdown of everything I’ve been doing, along with my thoughts, research, and some questions for you. I hope this is helpful.

The email dove straight into the nitty-gritty—cycle lengths, luteal phase data, diet restrictions, every supplement under the sun, and an emotional play-by-play of the last two years. It was heartfelt, raw, and painstakingly detailed, listing every “failed” attempt and every new tactic.  It’s like a 12-year-old writing in their diary about unspoken pains that she didn't want the world to see, so she put a little lock on it and just hoped for the best. Monica’s heart tugging slightly, but the chaos was unmistakable. It was a loud, desperate attempt to control something that just couldn’t be micromanaged.  

Monique’s voice piped up, sharp and sarcastic as ever. “You don’t need to read that novel. We both know what it says. ‘Hi, I’m Mabel. I’m controlling the crap out of this situation and still not getting anywhere. Help.’”

Monica smiled faintly. Monique wasn’t wrong, but she also knew this wasn’t about mocking Mabel. It was about helping her see what was really happening.  

Leaning back in her chair, Monica’s gaze shifted to the sun-soaked Hawaiian coastline outside her window. She didn't need to read every word to understand the email's true essence. It wasn’t clarity—it was chaos. A frantic attempt to fix something unfixable with a checklist and an overachieving mindset. 

Mabel’s Type A tendencies had likely been an asset in many areas of her life, but fertility didn’t play by those rules. What most women didn’t realize—and what Mabel was going to start uncovering—was that this very need for control might be a hidden contributor to their struggles. She didn’t even realize she was spinning her wheels in the mud, exhausting herself in the process.

“This isn’t about the all the things, Monique,” Monica thought, a mix of compassion and determination filling her. “It’s about what’s underneath it. The fear, the doubt, the story she’s telling herself—that she’s not enough. That she’s not doing enough.”  

With a sigh, Monica clicked Reply.  

Hi Mabel,

Thank you for taking the time to share your journey with me. I can feel how deeply you care about this process, and I’m so glad we’ll be diving into this together during our session.

I’ll admit, I haven’t read every detail yet—not because I don’t value what you’ve shared, but because I know the bigger picture is what really matters here. Let’s use our time to unpack not just the ‘what’ of everything you’re doing, but the ‘why.’

I want to help you find clarity, not just in your actions, but in your energy and mindset as well. Sometimes, the most important shifts aren’t about doing more—they’re about doing less, but with intention and trust.

I look forward to seeing you soon. Until then, take a deep breath. You’re already doing so much more than you realize. 

We’re doing this together,

💚 Monica

Monica closed her laptop, envisioning their first session. She knew Mabel would show up with her trusty notebook, ready to talk supplements, diets, and functional medicine. Like most of her clients, Mabel would be highly educated in all things fertility and even functional medicine, but she was still seeking more answers.  

The good news? Monica had the answers they were seeking—but to questions they didn’t even know they needed to ask.  

Over the years, Monica’s coaching had evolved. While she still focused on uncovering physical root causes, her approach now emphasized helping clients put the list down, release the constant need to fix, and start trusting their bodies. Mabel needed to understand that she already had all the external answers—it was time to do the harder, deeper work of going inward.

Monique cut through her thoughts with an exaggerated eye roll. “Why is it always the Type A overachievers who act like the inward journey doesn’t even exist? You know it, I know it—they’ve read every self-help book on the planet, and somehow still miss the point. These overachievers will tackle everything under the sun—reorganize their pantry, create spreadsheets for their supplements, banish gluten like it’s public enemy number one—but self-reflection? Oh no, that’s not even on their list. It’s like some mythical creature they’ll maybe, possibly, deal with… someday.”

Monica poured herself more tea, smiling. “Because the inward journey is the one thing they can’t control, Monique. There’s no app for self-trust or a checklist for letting go. For someone like Mabel, who’s built her life on outward achievement, facing the inside feels like stepping into chaos.”  

Monique rolled her eyes. “Oh please. The real chaos is all that stuff they’re piling on. Supplements, diets, acupuncture, yoga, journaling, meditating—but only for five minutes, because who has time for actual calm? Meanwhile, their poor nervous system is crying for mercy.”  

Monica leaned back, her voice gentler now but firm. “Go easy, Monique. That outward hustle isn’t just about control—it’s about fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being enough, fear that if they stop for even a moment, the dream will slip right through their fingers.

“And let’s be honest,” Monica added with a knowing look, “the reason they ‘miss the point’ in every self-help book that practically screams the inward journey is the real work? It’s because it feels like doing nothing. And when your sense of worthiness is tied to constantly doing, ‘nothing’ feels unbearable—like losing your lifeline. 

Monique leaned back, arms crossed, her tone dripping with sarcasm. “Protect themselves by running themselves into the ground? Brilliant strategy. Nothing says ‘self-preservation’ like burnout and spreadsheets.”

Monica chuckled, her smile warm but her voice resolute. “I know it sounds counterintuitive, but in their world, it makes perfect sense. The constant doing feels like control, like safety. But that’s exactly why we’re here—to help her see that the real power doesn’t come from doing more. It comes from slowing down, doing less, and learning to trust herself. Because intention beats hustle every time.”

She paused, shooting Monique a pointed look. “And why am I even telling you this? You’re the one who was screaming at me the whole time I was in this beast mode—dragging myself through the trenches, thinking I could outwork the problem. You practically set up camp in my head yelling, ‘Slow the hell down, Monica!’ So yeah, this is familiar territory for both of us.”

Monique smirked but didn’t argue, her silence saying everything.

Then, with a mischievous glint in her eye, she leaned forward and grinned. “Oh, I can’t wait to see her face when I tell her that her color-coded charts aren’t the secret to motherhood. That’s going to be fun.”

Monica shook her head, amused. “Let’s ease her into it, okay? She’s already carrying enough. We’ll start with compassion and a little clarity. You can save your mic-drop moments for when she’s ready.”  

Monique shrugged. “Fine. But don’t expect me to hold back if she tells me she’s tracking her breathing.”  

Monica laughed. “Deal. Now, let’s help her put that checklist down and find the courage to look inward. That’s where the magic is.”  

She glanced out at the ocean, its calm waves grounding her resolve. She was ready to meet Mabel where she was and help her understand that she was enough—without the endless list. This wasn’t about adding more to her plate; it was about letting go. Monica knew the conversation ahead wouldn’t be easy, but she was ready. After all, if anyone understood the overwhelming compulsion to control, it was her.

---

Monica adjusted her chair and smoothed the front of her blouse, the faint hum of the Hawaiian breeze filling the quiet room. She glanced at her notes one last time, ensuring everything she needed was within reach. Her favorite notebook sat open beside her, along with a cup of freshly brewed tea.

She stood, washing her hands as if rinsing away the energy of the day. Returning to her desk, she lit a candle that crackled like a cozy log fire and set an expensive stick of incense to smolder, the soft scent weaving through the air. Closing her eyes, Monica placed a hand over her heart and said a quiet prayer, asking for her personal judgment to be cleared and for only the highest and best to be served in the session ahead. This was her ritual—a moment to center herself before opening the space for her clients.

Her Zoom chime interrupted her thoughts. Monica clicked “Admit” as Mabel’s slightly flushed face popped onto the screen. Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun, and she was already fiddling with her camera angle.  

Mabel (rushed): "Hi, Monica! Can you hear me okay?" Mabel held up a notebook, flipping through pages crammed with notes.  

After a few polite exchanges, Mabel launched in with a single breathless stream: “Here’s what I’m doing: tracking my basal body temperature, monitoring cervical mucus, using ovulation strips twice a day, eating only organic, gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free meals. I’m meditating—but just for five minutes because, honestly, who has time? I’ve started acupuncture, I’m taking eight supplements, I’ve cut out caffeine, but now I’m wondering if I should start seed cycling or maybe add maca powder? Oh, and I’ve scheduled IVF for three months from now, so I need to make sure I’ve done everything possible to maximize egg quality. So I’d really love to hear what else you think I should I be doing?”

She finally paused, her face flushed, looking at Monica expectantly as if waiting for a gold star—or maybe a list of ten more things to add to her overflowing plate.

Monica leaned back slightly, her calm, grounded presence a striking contrast to Mabel’s whirlwind of energy. “Mabel,” she said gently, her voice steady and warm, “take a deep breath. Just one for now.”

Mabel let out a nervous laugh, her hands fluttering slightly. “Oh, I’m breathing—deep breathing is on my list!”

Monique’s voice piped up, dripping with sarcasm. “Of course it is. I bet she’s got alarms on her phone. ‘Breathe at 10 a.m., breathe again at noon.’” 

Mabel blinked, tilting her head slightly. “...Is that bad?”

Monica let out a soft, understanding laugh and adjusted in her seat, her kind smile radiating reassurance. “Mabel, first of all, I want you to know that I truly get it. You’re doing all of this because you care so deeply about becoming a mom, and you want to give it everything you’ve got. It’s coming from a place of love and determination, and I respect that. But here’s the truth: fertility isn’t a checklist you can conquer with sheer force of will. It’s not about how much you can do. In fact, sometimes, doing too much can create more stress than support, and that can hurt more than it helps.”

Mabel’s face tightened, her shoulders inching upward as if bracing against the words. A flicker of defensiveness crossed her features, and her voice cracked slightly as she leaned closer to the camera, her hands clasped so tightly they trembled. “But if I don’t do all of this… what if I miss something?” The words tumbled out, raw and unguarded, as anxiety spilled from her like a dam ready to burst. 

Monica met Mabel’s anxious gaze with a steady, reassuring look. “Mabel, it’s so important to focus on what truly matters in this journey. And let me reassure you—I’ll let you know if I see anything big that you’re missing. But right now, the missing link isn’t about doing more. It’s about something much deeper: trusting yourself and letting go of the need to control every detail.

Trusting that you’ve already identified enough to boost your cellular health and support your fertility. Trusting that your body is capable of working with what you’re giving it. This journey isn’t about perfection; it’s about consistency, belief, and surrendering to the process. True progress comes when you release the tight grip of control and allow yourself the freedom to trust what’s already in motion.”

Monique smirked, her tone cutting but laced with humor. “Listen up, Mabel—here’s the deal. You can’t want something and expect it to come running to you at the same time. Wanting and having? They’re on two totally different frequencies. You’ve got to step into the vibe of already having it and act like the boss babe you are. Right now? You’re giving off full-on ‘desperate girlfriend’ vibes—you know, the one who texts the guy 15 times in a row and then freaks out when he doesn’t reply. That energy? It’s a dream repellent. Fertility is like any other relationship—nobody, and I mean nobody, likes a stage-five clinger.”

Monica raised an eyebrow but let Monique continue, knowing her bluntness often struck a necessary chord.

Monique smirked and leaned in as if driving the point home. “You’ve got to chill, Mabel. Stop smothering the dream with all this ‘what else can I do’ energy. Desperation doesn’t create life—it blocks it. Trust the process, trust yourself, and for the love of all things, stop acting like your ovaries need constant reassurance.”

Mabel blinked, caught somewhere between offense and reluctant laughter. Monica smiled softly, stepping in to smooth the edges. “What Monique is trying to say—albeit a bit dramatically—is that letting go of the desperation doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you’re creating space for your body, your mind, and your spirit to work together without the weight of constant pressure. That’s where the magic happens.”

Monica took a steadying breath, her gaze firm but compassionate. “Look, Mabel, here are the facts: your body needs time to adjust and heal—especially your gut health and nervous system. My honest guess as to why you haven’t gotten pregnant naturally yet—which, by the way, I absolutely believe you can—is because you’re still stressed out. 

You’re stuck in those old control patterns that are keeping your body locked in fight-or-flight mode. Even if your labs look fine on paper, cortisol doesn’t lie. It’s likely fluctuating in ways that are sabotaging your efforts.

Stress doesn’t just live in your mind, Mabel—it’s in your cells, your gut, your nervous system. It’s the undercurrent that impacts everything. And while I know you’ve been on this journey for two years, the truth is that the changes you’ve made to support your cellular health only started a few months ago—and they haven’t been consistent enough yet. Your body needs more time and a gentler approach. Consistency over perfection, trust over control—that’s what’s going to make the difference.

You’ve already made incredible strides, and you’re ahead of the curve in so many ways. Coming to me now, instead of rushing straight into an IVF cycle without addressing the root causes, shows a wisdom that most don’t have.”

Monique piped in, sharp and unapologetic, as always. “Which, by the way, is exactly what Monica did! She sprinted headfirst into IVF like it was some kind of magic wand. And guess what? It didn’t work. She was left drowning in uncertainty about her body’s abilities, with all the white coats shrugging their shoulders and saying there was nothing she could do to ‘fix’ her situation. Oh, and let’s not forget—$20,000, poof, gone! Mabel, I know you came here looking for more answers, more to-dos, another checklist to conquer. And maybe you don’t realize it right now, but you’re already being smarter than most by stopping and reassessing before jumping into IVF. Trust me, that’s not just a small step—it’s a big one, and you’re going to thank yourself later!”  

Monica didn’t give Monique one of her signature “you’re-being-too-blunt” looks this time. It was a harsh truth, yes, but one she hoped more women could learn from. Her own mistakes had been painful, but if sharing them could save someone else from the same heartache, it was worth every uncomfortable moment.  

Monique continued shifting her focus onto Mable. “Oh, let’s just call it what it is, Mabel—you’re running yourself ragged, trying to micromanage your way into motherhood. Stress is basically your full-time job at this point. And newsflash: your body? It’s not a machine you can hack with spreadsheets and supplements if you’re constantly drowning in cortisol.

She leaned in, her tone cutting but laced with truth. “You think you’re doing all the right things, but here’s the hard pill to swallow: all that control? It’s actually working against you. Your body doesn’t feel safe to create life because you’ve got it stuck in survival mode. And let’s be real—how can you expect to grow something beautiful when your cells are screaming, ‘Danger, danger!’ all the time?”

Monica still didn’t interrupt. Monique wasn’t wrong, after all—just a little intense.

Monique smirked, clearly in her element. “So here’s the deal, Mabel: your body isn’t broken. It just needs you to stop running it like a corporate takeover. Give it a break, trust the process, and let it do what it’s designed to do. Motherhood isn’t something you force—it’s something you allow.”

Mabel blinked, caught off guard by the sudden shift in tone. She looked half amused, half startled, as if Monique’s words had thrown a spotlight on a truth she hadn’t been ready to see. “I guess…” she started, hesitating, her voice trailing off as she searched for the right words. “I guess that makes sense. I’ve just… never thought of it like that.”

Monica stepped in, her tone softer, a bridge between Monique’s bluntness and Mabel’s vulnerability. “It’s a lot to take in, I know. But what Monique is really saying—what we’re both saying—is that the more you let go, the more you allow your body to feel safe and supported. That’s where the magic happens, Mabel. Not in forcing, but in allowing.

Mabel, I want to say how proud I am of you. You’ve been proactive and thoughtful in addressing these issues before jumping into something as invasive and emotionally draining as IVF. That takes courage and wisdom. And now, I’m going to dare to ask you the big question that lies at the heart of letting go of control: Would you be open to pushing your IVF cycle back a few months?

Not to delay your dream, but to give your body the time it needs to truly settle into these changes, to heal, and to align with all the work you’ve already done. It’s not about waiting—it’s about investing in yourself and your chances for success.”

Mabel hesitated, the inner battle playing out across her face. Her brow furrowed, her lips pressing into a thin line as if she were trying to weigh the impossible. “Push it back?” she repeated, her voice laced with uncertainty, a mix of fear and resistance slipping through. “I don’t want to waste any more time!”

Her words hung in the air, heavy with emotion. She shifted in her seat, clasping her hands tightly in her lap. “I mean, I’ve already waited so long. Two years of trying, two years of disappointment, and I’m finally at a point where I have a plan. How can I just… push it back?”

Her voice cracked slightly, her eyes glistening with the weight of her thoughts. “The doctors keep reminding me I’m not getting any younger. Every appointment feels like a countdown, like if I don’t move forward now, I’ll miss my chance. What if waiting makes it harder? What if I lose my window?”

Monique leaned in, figuratively speaking, her tone sharp and unapologetic. “Time wasted? You mean the time you’d spend on an IVF cycle that might not even work because your body’s not ready? That’s not just a waste, Mabel—that’s a gamble. And let’s be honest, if you’re not doing the groundwork, you’re stacking the odds against yourself.”

Monica shot Monique a look but couldn’t fully suppress a small smile. “What Monique is saying is that waiting isn’t wasting time, Mabel. It’s investing time. It’s stepping up to take full responsibility for creating the best possible foundation for your dream. You’re not just preparing your body; you’re aligning your mind, your energy, and your spirit.

Fertility isn’t just about eggs and hormones—it’s about creating the most welcoming environment for new life. And that responsibility isn’t just in supplements or protocols; it’s in how you treat yourself, how you trust yourself. You’re closer than you think, Mabel. But now, it’s up to you to give yourself permission to rest, recalibrate, and truly heal. That’s not waiting—it’s stepping into your power.”

Monica paused, her tone softening as she added, “You don’t need to answer now. Take some time to sit with it. Think about what feels right for you—not what you think you should do, but what truly resonates with you.”

Mabel sat back, exhaling slowly. “I’ll… think about it,” she said softly, her voice less defensive now, more open.

Monique smirked. “Good. Because the only thing worse than waiting is rushing and regretting it later.”  

Monica reached out metaphorically through the screen with her calm, unwavering energy. “You’ve got this, Mabel. And you’re not alone. We’re going to get you to a place where you feel confident—physically, emotionally, and energetically. Together.”  

Mabel’s voice trembled, her words spilling out faster than she could catch them. “But what if I wait, and then it fails? And then…” Her voice cracked, unable to finish the thought.  

Monique didn’t miss a beat, her tone cutting through the silence like a sharp wind. “Ah, there it is—the truth came out quicker than I thought! It’s not the IVF failing that you’re worried about, Mabel. It’s you failing. That’s what has you running this fertility rat race, sprinting to the finish line, hoping that when you cross it, you’ll finally feel worthy.”  

Mabel’s eyes widened slightly, and for a moment, she looked like a deer caught in headlights. Monique’s bluntness had landed squarely on the truth, but it wasn’t something Mabel was ready to fully admit yet. She opened her mouth to argue, but Monica stepped in.

Monica’s heart ached for Mabel. She knew all too well the thoughts that crept in during the quiet moments—when another period arrived, screaming that your body was broken, or when another negative pregnancy test felt like a personal failure. She knew how infertility didn’t just challenge your hope; it attacked your identity as a woman.  

“Mabel,” Monica began softly, “it’s okay to admit that this journey has made you question your worth. Society doesn’t prepare us for this. It tells us that as women, we’re supposed to be able to create life effortlessly. So when it doesn’t happen, we don’t just feel sad or disappointed—we feel broken. Like we’ve failed at the one thing we’re biologically designed to do.”  

Tears welled up in Mabel’s eyes as she nodded, the words hitting far too close to home. Monica continued, leaning in slightly as if to close the emotional distance between them.  

“And yes, I know it feels like it’s more than just IVF failing—it feels like you’re failing. Like you’re letting yourself down, your partner down, your family down. Like every stumble is proof you’re not enough. And the hard truth is that this fear of falling—this fear of failure—is lying to you. It’s convincing you that if you just control everything perfectly, you can guarantee the outcome. But let me tell you something: Your worth has nothing to do with your ability to get pregnant. It’s not measured by a test result, a cycle, or how perfectly you follow every protocol.”

Monique chimed in, her tone softer than before. “You know what’s failing you, Mabel? This insane pressure you’ve put on yourself to ‘fix’ everything. That’s what’s keeping you stuck. You’re so scared of falling—of failing—that you’ve become the ultimate over-controller. You’re trying to micromanage every crumb of this journey like it’s some cosmic audition for worthiness. The finish line you’re chasing? It’s an illusion. You can’t sprint your way to worthiness because you already are worthy. You just haven’t let yourself believe it.” 

“And here’s the kicker,” Monique continued, now fully in her groove. “This over-controlling thing? It’s not just about fear of failure. It’s about proving something—to yourself, to everyone else. It’s about perfectionism, probably rooted in your childhood. Somewhere along the way, you picked up the belief that if you could just get it all ‘right,’ you’d finally feel safe, loved, or enough.

But here’s the hard truth, Mabel: safety doesn’t come from doing everything right. It doesn’t come from checking all the boxes, controlling every detail, or outworking your fears. True safety comes from trusting yourself—even when things go wrong. Trusting that you can handle it. Trusting that you’re enough, no matter what.”

Monique leaned in as if to drive the point home, her tone firm but almost tender. “So, stop running yourself into the ground, trying to outrun your own fear. Fall, Mabel. Let yourself fall, and realize something incredible: you’ll rise. You always do.”

Mabel let out a shaky breath, a single tear slipping down her cheek. “But what if I never get there? What if… what if I never become a mom?”  

Monica’s heart squeezed, but she held her steady gaze, her voice unwavering. “Mabel, the fact that you’re asking that question tells me something important. It tells me that deep down, you’ve tied a big part of your worth—and your identity—to this outcome. And I understand why—it’s something you want so deeply, it’s hard to imagine life without it. But here’s the thing: your worth isn’t something you need to prove, and it’s not tied to any label—not ‘successful,’ not ‘perfect,’ and not even ‘mother.’

"This journey isn’t just about becoming a mom. It’s about unlearning the idea that your value comes from the roles you play or the boxes you check. It’s about realizing that who you are, at your core, is already enough. Motherhood can and will be a part of your story, but it’s not the whole story.

“You’ve got to find that love for yourself now—not when you cross some imaginary finish line. Because your worth isn’t waiting for you on the other side of the two pink lines. It’s already here, in you, right now.” 

Monique jumped back in, her tone sharp but laced with undeniable truth. “She’s right. You think this is all about having a baby, but it’s not. It’s about you. It’s about learning to make peace with yourself, to stop fighting your body, and to create a life that feels whole and fulfilling—even in the waiting. Because trust me, when that baby does come, you’re not magically off the hook.

You think the pressure ends there? Think again. You’ll get hit with mom guilt so fast it’ll knock the breath out of you, not to mention all the subconscious crap your parents unknowingly passed down to you. And guess who’s going to have to deal with all that baggage? The very baby you fought so hard for. So, if you don’t start cleaning that up now, you’re just handing it off like some kind of toxic inheritance. And I know you don’t want that.”

She leaned back with a knowing smirk. “This isn’t just about becoming a mom, Mabel—it’s about becoming the kind of mom you actually want to be. That conscious mama you were born to be. It starts with you. Right now.”

Mabel wiped at her cheek, her voice trembling but sincere. “I don’t even know what that looks like. Being at peace with myself. I don’t know how to get there.”  

Monica sat up straighter, her gaze steady and compassionate. “That’s okay, Mabel. You’re not supposed to know yet. That’s why we’re here. Together, we’re going to figure out what that looks like for you. But it starts with this: taking the pressure off. Trusting that your body isn’t your enemy. And yes, even taking a step back from that finish line you’re so desperate to cross.”  

Mabel sat back in her chair, a flicker of relief crossing her face. For the first time in months, she felt like she might not have to do everything alone—or do everything at all.  

And Monica knew this was just the beginning.  

Monique added with a slight smirk, “And maybe, just maybe, tearing up a few of those color-coded charts wouldn’t hurt either.”  

That earned a small laugh from Mabel, a glimmer of relief breaking through the tension. Monica smiled, leaning forward slightly, feeling the shift in the conversation.  

“Mabel, the truth is, you’re already doing so much. Now it’s time to stop doing and start being. Being kind to yourself. Being patient with your body. Being open to the idea that worthiness isn’t something you earn—it’s something you already have. Failure doesn’t mean you’re not trying hard enough. It often comes from not trusting yourself and the process. And trust, Mabel, takes courage—it’s about letting go of control and leaning into what feels right for you. Right now, what your body is crying out for isn’t more effort; it’s peace, joy, and a whole bunch of surrender. That’s what it needs to thrive and finally give you the success you’re longing for.”

Monica paused, letting her words sink in before reaching for her notebook. She sketched a quick diagram, holding it up as she continued. “Here’s why this matters. When we’re stuck in this constant state of doing, our bodies feel like they’re in survival mode. That stress response triggers your adrenals to pump out cortisol, the ‘fight-or-flight’ hormone. And while cortisol has its place in short bursts, living with high levels over time can throw your reproductive hormones completely out of sync. It disrupts the delicate communication between your brain and your ovaries, lowers progesterone, delays ovulation, and can even make implantation harder. So, this isn’t just about relaxing for the sake of it—it’s about creating a space where your body feels safe to do what it was designed to do.”

She paused, giving Mabel a moment to take it all in before continuing.  

“And that’s just the physical part. On an energetic level, all this overdoing creates stuck energy. It’s like you’re saying to your body, ‘I don’t trust you, so I need to take over.’ But your body is incredibly wise. It doesn’t need you to micromanage—it needs you to trust and support it.”  

Monique leaned forward, arms crossed and smirking as she delivered her signature punchline. “Let me break this down for you. You’re running yourself ragged, popping more pills than a pharmacy, and trying to play God with your ovaries. You think you’re helping, but what you’re really doing is stressing your body out even more. Stress isn’t just a feeling, Mabel—it’s chemistry. And right now, your chemistry is saying, ‘We’re in survival mode, not baby-making mode.’ So, do less.”  

Mabel let out a shaky breath, her lips pressed together as she absorbed their words.  

Monica softened her tone, leaning in gently. “Mabel, let’s try something simple—a subconscious empowerment technique to help shift these limiting beliefs. We can use muscle testing if it feels right, but sometimes, just listening to your body can give you the answer you’re looking for. Trust yourself enough to feel it.”

She paused, giving Mabel space to take a steadying breath before continuing. “Now, with your chin parallel to the floor, eyes looking down, and your arms and legs uncrossed, I want you to say this out loud with as much passion as you can muster: I am worthy because I am me.” 

Before Mabel even spoke, Monica could sense the hesitation. It wasn’t just in her posture but in the energy that filled the space between them—a silent resistance, thick with self-doubt, that spoke volumes.

Mabel straightened her back, trying to align her body with the confidence she didn’t yet feel. Her voice was soft, the words strained as though forcing them into existence. “I am worthy because I am me.” 

When her eyes met Monica’s, they shimmered with uncertainty, her vulnerability cracking through the surface. Slowly, tears began to form as she shook her head. “No… I don’t believe that. I guess… I’ve always felt like if I’m not in control, if I’m not constantly doing something, proving myself… everything will just fall apart.”

Monica tilted her head slightly, her words steady and filled with empathy. “Mabel, this is where we begin—right here, right now. Because if you can’t believe in your own inherent worth, then who will? You’ve spent so much time trying to prove yourself to the world, but what if you didn’t have to? What if you showing up for you was enough? That’s the most important thing.

“This isn’t about perfection. It’s not about fixing yourself or proving anything. It’s about finding a rhythm that supports you—your body, your heart, and your dreams—without pushing you into overwhelm. Trust doesn’t mean giving up or doing nothing. It means doing what truly matters and letting go of the things that don’t. When you can find that rhythm, you’ll see you’ve been enough all along. You’ve always been enough.”

She paused, her gaze warm, letting her words sink in before adding, “This is your journey, Mabel. One step, one choice, one moment of trust at a time.”

Monique smirked, arms crossed like she’d been waiting for her turn. “Alright, let’s just say it—perfection is a cop-out. It’s the shiny little lie you tell yourself to keep spinning your wheels, convincing yourself you’re making progress when really, you’re just stuck. Mabel, enough with the checklist mentality. Your worth isn’t tied to how many boxes you tick off or how perfectly you do anything. It’s about showing up, messy and human, and finally trusting that your body knows what it’s doing.”

Monique’s eyes narrowed slightly.“Mabel, your body isn’t broken. It’s just tired—tired of the constant pushing, the endless proving, and the lack of trust. Those ‘unexplained’ symptoms you keep talking about? They’re not mysteries; they’re messages. Your body has been trying to tell you something, but you’ve been so busy running it like a to-do list that you’ve stopped listening.

So stop trying to control every damn thing. You’re not here to micromanage your life; you’re here to live it. Trust is about loosening the grip, doing the right things with the right energy, and giving your body room to breathe. Get out of your own way, and let’s see what happens when you actually listen.”

Monica smiled gently, letting the balance between their words hang in the air, each voice offering a different piece of the puzzle.

Mabel hesitated, her brow furrowing slightly, though a flicker of curiosity lit up her expression. “Okay… so where do I even start?”

Monica’s smile was warm, steadying—a calm anchor in the storm. “With less,” she said gently. “We’ll focus on what truly matters—what your body is actually asking for—and, more importantly, start rebuilding trust in yourself and your intuition. This isn’t about doing more, Mabel; it’s about doing smarter.” She leaned in slightly, her tone both encouraging and firm. “But first, let’s tackle this belief right now, shall we? You’ve read about the whole-brain techniques in DREAMS. Which one feels right for you in this moment?”

Mabel blinked, caught off guard by the clarity in Monica’s words. For the first time, she nodded, her expression softening as she whispered, “I think I’ll try the figure 8 and crossing my arms and legs.”

“Perfect,” Monica said, her eyes shining with approval. “Now feel it. Let that unworthiness bubble up—don’t fight it. Give it space, let it rise, and then let it go. As you do, keep repeating to yourself, again and again, ‘I am worthy because I am me.’ Stay with it. Hold that space until you feel the shift—the moment when your energy starts to settle into truth.”

Mabel closed her eyes, her breath steadying as the weight she’d been carrying began to lift. Within moments, a small but unmistakable smile curved on her lips—a spark of something new, something real. Something had shifted. For the first time, she wasn’t just trying; she was beginning to believe. Deep down, she felt it: she was worthy—worthy of healing, of trusting herself, and of creating the family of her dreams.

---

Monica closed the session, feeling hopeful and focused. She believed in Mabel—and in all women wrestling with similar battles. Over the coming weeks, she knew they would peel back the layers together, discovering confidence, self-compassion, and ultimately, trust. For the first time, perhaps Mabel was ready to embark on the journey toward true empowerment—not just motherhood but the richness of her own life, however that might unfold.  

With a final glance at the vibrant Hawaiian sunset, Monica felt the universe's gentle reminder. Sometimes, in the face of chaos, the bravest step we can take is the one inward.

—

Subject: Your Next Steps: Letting Go of Control

Hi Mabel,

I wanted to follow up after our session and share how proud I am of you for showing up so fully. You’re already doing the hard work of being honest with yourself, and that’s where transformation begins.

As we discussed, letting go of control isn’t about giving up—it’s about creating space for trust, alignment, and healing. This isn’t an overnight process, but small, intentional shifts will lead to lasting change.

Here are five tips to help you let go of control and reconnect with your worth:

1. Practice Radical Honesty

Catch yourself in the moments when you start to control and overdo. Stop, take a breath, and tell yourself, We don’t live there anymore. By simply not engaging in the act of over-controlling, you’re starting to rewire your brain and build new neural pathways. The more you practice this, the more natural it will become.

2. Let Go of the Checklist Mentality

Fertility isn’t a to-do list you can conquer—it’s about nurturing your body and trusting the process. Focus on the essentials that truly matter to your health and well-being, and release the extras that leave you feeling overwhelmed. Remember, less is often more.

3. Trust Your Body and Its Wisdom

Your body knows what it needs, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. When you’re tempted to micromanage every detail, pause and ask yourself, What does my body truly need in this moment? The answer might surprise you. 

4. Shift from Perfection to Consistency

You don’t have to get everything right—you just need to show up with compassion and commitment. Focus on sustainable habits that support your body, rather than pushing for perfection. Consistency over time is what brings results. 

5. Create Space for Joy and Rest

Stress lives in the cells and creates blocks, especially on your fertility journey. Give yourself permission to rest, to laugh, to enjoy the simple moments. Rest and joy aren’t luxuries—they’re necessities. By prioritizing these, you’re telling your body it’s safe to heal and grow.

Mabel, this journey isn’t about proving your worth—it’s about realizing you already are worthy. Every time you pause and choose not to engage in old patterns, you’re taking a powerful step toward becoming the mom you’re meant to be, but more importantly, you’re becoming the most aligned version of yourself.

I’d love to hear how it feels as you start catching those moments of control and consciously choosing to step back. Remember, small shifts lead to big changes. Keep in contact with me on Telegram, explore the online course DREAMS if needed and make sure you book your next session here!

You’re not alone in this, Mabel. I’m here for you every step of the way.

We’re Doing This Together,
Monica

P.S. Don’t forget: We don’t live there anymore. Keep reminding yourself of that truth.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: The Illusion of Control: Why Letting Go Could Transform Your Fertility Journey

Let's Do This Together 💚 Monica

🎙 Subscribe on your favourite podcast platform:⁣⁠⁣⁣⁣
Apple

Stitcher

Spotify

Google